


Life's Insanity

by dsa_archivist



Category: due South
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M, Romance, Series: Nothing Lasts Forever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-07-31
Updated: 1999-07-31
Packaged: 2018-11-10 14:45:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11128995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dsa_archivist/pseuds/dsa_archivist
Summary: Ray tells Fraser about his intimacy with Cat and Fraser shares secrets from his past. This story is a sequel toNo Aphrodisiac.





	Life's Insanity

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).

Life's Insanity

 

 

Disclaimer: This story is written for the private entertainment of fans.  
The author makes no claims on the characters or their portrayal by the  
creation of this story. Phil and TJ McKenzie belong to SL Haas and are  
used in this story with her permission. Cat Madden belongs to me. No  
infringement of any copyrights held by CBS, Alliance, CTV or any other  
copyright holders of DUE SOUTH is intended. This story is not published  
for profit, and the author does not give permission for this story to  
be reproduced for profit.  
  
Rated R for swearing, adult situations and mild sex scenes - m/f and  
original character  
  
Lyrics from Good Company by Queen, Rose Marie by Nelson Eddy and Your  
Mind is on Vacation by Mose Allison all used without permission  
  
  
Life's Insanity  
  
By Carol Trendall  
  
 _Now I'm old I puff my pipe, but no-one's there to see  
  
I ponder on the lessons of my life's insanity  
  
_  
Ray Vecchio wore a sad smile as he waved to the dark-haired woman  
disappearing through the Departure gate. When she was out of sight he  
turned to his friend, Benton Fraser, and clapped a hand onto his shoulder.  
Together they stared silently at the gate through which Sergeant Cat  
Madden, RCMP, had just disappeared.  
  
"Well, Benny-boy, I never thought I'd hear myself say it, but I'm  
kinda sorry to see her go."  
  
Ben tilted his head and smiled indulgently at his friend. Neither had  
he expected to hear Ray say anything so complimentary about Cat. Until  
two days ago he thought they hated each other. He had been pretty surprised  
when he'd figured it out. But, then again, his two friends were alike,  
no matter how much they denied it. He had grown used to them springing  
surprises on him, although this time it had taken him a little longer  
to recover.  
  
Evidently Ray hadn't yet figured out that it was obvious to him what  
had happened. Ben smiled to himself, thinking that for a detective Ray  
could be a little dense sometimes. Absently, he wondered if he should  
he let Ray off the hook. The mischievous side of his mind told him no.  
Now was his chance to get back at Ray for all the teasing he had suffered.  
Ben decided he would act as naive as Ray sometimes thought him to be.  
  
He smothered a smile and answered, "Really, Ray? I thought you  
and Cat didn't care for each other?"  
  
Ray shifted uncomfortably under Ben's steady gaze, then suddenly turned  
away from the departure gate, heading towards the exit. Tucking his  
hands into the pockets of his overcoat, he looked at his feet as he walked,  
clearly uncomfortable about his friend's question.  
  
"Fraser, that's something I need to talk to you about," Ray  
said in a tight voice.  
  
Ben saw Ray's discomfort as he fell into step beside him and barely resisted  
the urge to laugh. He knew exactly what Ray wanted to talk to him about,  
but he couldn't resist a little teasing. He would enjoy telling this  
story to Cat later.  
  
"Talk to me about? Oh, Ray, this sounds serious. What is it?"  
His voice gave no hint that he might know what Ray was about to say.  
  
"In the car, Fraser," Ray answered brusquely, picking up his  
pace.  
  
After a moment's hesitation and a snicker, Ben followed him.  
  
  
Ray said nothing more until they were in the traffic heading back to  
the city. He was very nervous. So long as he looked at the road and  
not at his friend, he felt safe. _How could he tell Fraser about this?  
How could he tell Fraser about him and Cat Madden?_ He knew how the  
Mountie protected her � like he protected his sister.  
  
Ray clearly remembered his own reaction when he had learned about Frannie  
turning up in Ben's apartment and offering herself to the Mountie. Knowing  
that Fraser would never take advantage of his sister had been little  
comfort. So how would Fraser react to his intimacy with Cat when Fraser  
knew about his shady past with women? Plus, he remembered how Fraser  
had grilled him about his intentions towards Becka. To make matters  
worse, Fraser and Cat had been lovers. That added an extra dimension.  
Would Fraser be jealous?  
  
Ray glanced sideways at his friend, who stared at the road ahead. _'No  
time like the present,' _he thought to himself. He took a deep breath  
and jumped right in.  
  
"Benny, I gotta tell you about me and Cat..." He looked quickly  
at Ben again, his voice trailing off when he saw his friend's clueless  
expression. "Why are you looking at me like that?"  
  
"Like what, Ray?"  
  
"That...that.... the big-eyed Mountie look."  
  
"Oh, well, it's just that until yesterday I had never heard you  
call Cat...well.... Cat. You see, it's a name that I...that we....well,  
never mind. I just never heard you say it before."  
  
Ray swallowed hard. "Does it bother you?"  
  
Ben made a show of considering the question before replying, then turned  
a stoic face to his companion. "No, Ray," he answered honestly.  
  
"Good." Ray nodded his relief and turned his attention back  
to the road ahead. Both men fell silent.  
  
Ben watched Ray compose himself, still managing to resist the urge to  
tell him that he knew and that is was OK. "So what do you want  
to tell me about Cat?" he asked innocently.  
  
Ray jumped, startled. "Oh yeah. Well, it's about both of us.   
Me and Cat."  
  
"Yes, Ray?" Ben prompted, his smile never far away.  
  
"We.....um.....we...." Ray waved his right hand around in the  
air, struggling to find a word that didn't sound sleazy.  
  
"Slept together.....?" Ben supplied. He smiled to himself.  
If Cat's libido was anything like it had been many years ago, she and  
Ray would have gotten very little sleep.  
  
Ray looked at his friend in shock, momentarily forgetting that he was  
driving, not seeing the intersection they approached.  
  
"Red light, Ray," Ben said calmly.  
  
"Made love!" Ray shouted as he brought the Riv to a halt.   
"We made love, OK?"  
  
Ray stared at the traffic light willing it to change. The temperature  
in the car seemed to have risen suddenly. His mind drifted over the  
days he and Cat had spent alone together. Neither his phrase nor Ben's  
really covered what they had done. But he couldn't tell Fraser he and  
Cat had fucked each other senseless for two days. **That** memory  
made him smile. Cat had turned out to be very different than he had  
first thought. Ray's musings caused a stirring in his trousers and he  
shifted restlessly.  
  
Ray snapped back to the present when the lights finally changed. Concentrating  
on the Riv's smooth glide through its gears, he realised that Fraser  
had not reacted to his revelation. He swallowed again. That was bad.  
Warily, he turned his head to look at the man sitting next to him and  
was surprised to see the Mountie smiling at him. Grinning madly, in  
fact.  
  
Ray waved a finger. "You knew didn't you? Cat said you would."  
His voice held a note of exasperation. "How did you know?"  
He knew there was something between Cat and Ben that was beyond his understanding.  
He'd seen it several times during Cat's stay in Chicago. This was one  
of many examples. It even scared him.  
  
Ben smiled enigmatically. "Ah, Ray, you see I've known Cat for a  
very long time. The look on her face when she came downstairs yesterday  
is one I have more than a passing familiarity with." Ben ignored  
Ray's expression of surprise and continued, "At first I didn't notice  
that your cheeks were similarly flushed. I was anxious to speak with  
Cat because we had a ...well... a disagreement.... but that's not important.  
I saw that Cat's cheeks were flushed and her hair neatly brushed and  
I realised that....well, you know what I mean...." Ben coughed,  
feeling embarrassed. He'd never used profane language in front of Ray  
and he wasn't about to say that Cat called it the 'just-fucked' look.  
"I had reason to believe that someone else might have been the cause  
of Cat's state."  
  
Ray's eyebrows shot up. "Someone else? Who?"  
  
Ben looked away for a moment. He wasn't about to bring up the TJ issue  
because that would be too uncomfortably close to a discussion about Phil  
and he had steadfastly refused to tell Ray about her. "Oh, someone  
I used to know." He gave a non-committal shrug. "It doesn't  
matter. I was wrong." He continued to stare out the window as he  
spoke. "When you went to make coffee, Cat touched your arm and  
I knew then. You don't realise how familiar you become with a person's  
intimate gestures."  
  
Ben's eyes drifted around to Ray, surprised that he had remained silent  
for so long. Did Cat tell Ray about their past relationship? Ray seemed  
shocked that he was taking it so well. Was Ray expecting him to be jealous?  
Ben cleared his throat and reached out a hand to touch Ray's sleeve.  
  
"Ray, I never really told you much about Cat. You didn't seem interested.  
But now things are different, perhaps I should tell you." He stopped  
and checked Ray's expression before continuing, "Cat and I were  
lovers. It was some time ago now, but we **were** lovers. There  
was even a time I thought we would marry." Still Ray didn't speak.  
"Did Cat tell you this?" He withdrew his hand, a little concerned.  
  
Ray searched his mind for an answer, not wanting to tell Fraser just  
how much Cat **had** told him. He wasn't sure how he had expected  
his friend to react, but he was not prepared for Fraser's silent acceptance  
of his revelation. Was he shocked? Was he jealous? He decided to ease  
into the subject gently.  
  
"She mentioned something about it, yeah." Ray coughed uncomfortably.  
His voice softened. "Does this bother you, Benny? I mean that you  
and Cat...you know....and now .....me and her...." He trailed off,  
finding himself surprisingly embarrassed.  
  
Ben shook his head, anxious to reassure his friend. "Oh no, Ray.  
By now you probably realise that Cat is an exceptional woman. She has�..  
numerous affairs ��.I stopped being jealous of her lovers a  
long time ago." He really wanted to tell Ray that if he were bothered  
by all of Cat's lovers there would be no time in his life for anything  
else.  
  
Ray let out a huff of air and shook his head, his relief evident. "You're  
full of surprises, Fraser."  
  
Ben smiled and leaned back in his seat. He liked to surprise Ray. His  
smile turning wistful, Ben thought about the other things in his past  
that would surprise Ray. He shook his head slightly. This was definitely  
not the time to be thinking about Phil McKenzie. "So what did Cat  
tell you about our past?" he enquired after a slight pause.  
  
Ray looked over his shoulder at the traffic and changed lanes as a way  
of stalling. He knew how sensitive Fraser could be about his personal  
life, so he wasn't sure how to answer. He certainly didn't want to tell  
him that Cat had spared no detail when she related the story of their  
past relationship. He decided to equivocate.  
  
"Nothin' much. Except that you were together for a while."  
  
Ben frowned. Cat normally was not so reticent. "Is that all?   
I'm surprised."  
  
Ray kept his gaze on the traffic ahead of him. "Yeah well, I guess  
she didn't want to tell me about private business."  
  
"I'd like to tell you about it, Ray. If you're interested."  
Maybe telling Ray about Cat would help keep his mind off Phil. He touched  
a hand to his jacket pocket where he had tucked the envelope with Phil's  
address. He definitely needed to think about something else.  
  
Ray grinned to himself. This could be fun. He was curious to see how  
different Ben's version of the events Cat had related would be. "Sure,  
Benny. I'd like that. You can tell me over dinner. Let's get something  
to eat."  
  
"OK."  
  
  
  
"So is this like one of your Inuit stories, Fraser?" Ray asked  
once he was settled in their favourite diner with his favourite meal  
in front of him.  
  
"What do you mean, Ray?"  
  
"I mean, Benny, will it take two hours to tell?" Ray explained,  
impatiently.  
  
The Mountie smiled. "Quite possibly, Ray, quite possibly."  
  
"Well go on, tell me," Ray prompted.  
  
Ben took a deep breath and sat upright. His mind wandered back through  
the years and in a soft, low voice he told the story of how he came to  
know Cat Madden.  
  
  
SPRING 1980  
  
Constable Benton Fraser was the only trainee who didn't complain about  
being given tasks that others considered tiresome. He knew his chance  
at real law enforcement would come. But, for the moment, he was acting  
as chauffeur for the elders at Duck Lake Reservation whilst they awaited  
a replacement for the community jeep that had been stolen by an escaped  
criminal.  
  
He listened with faint amusement to the argument in the back seat between  
Anna Fire Cloud and Henry Wind Soldier. It sounded like part of an argument  
that had been going on since long before he was born. He stifled a smile  
and was surprised when the man in the seat next to him spoke.  
  
"I've been listening to this for over fifty years, Benton."  
Calvin Sunsinger smiled at the young Mountie.  
  
Ben blushed when he realised he had been caught out. He did not mean  
to show disrespect to any Cree elder.  
  
The old man chuckled. "Don't worry, they make me laugh too. First  
it was who had the best horse, then it was who had the smartest children,  
now it's whose grandchildren win more trophies at powwows." He turned  
in his seat and addressed the pair in the back, "You two sound like  
children squabbling over marbles."  
  
Calvin Sunsinger's comments were obviously something to which they were  
well accustomed, for both ignored the man and continued their argument.  
Calvin shrugged and looked to the front again. He was silent for the  
rest of the journey, but he watched Ben with one eye.  
  
One by one Ben dropped the elders at their homes, Calvin Sunsinger last.  
Calvin invited him in for homemade lemonade and Ben accepted eagerly.  
Although only spring, it was surprisingly warm and he had spent most  
of the afternoon in the RCMP jeep. A cool glass of lemonade would do  
nicely. Inside his modest home, Calvin served him a plate of fry-bread  
and a large glass of lemonade.  
  
When he was done, Ben thanked the elder and made to leave. As Calvin  
walked with him to his jeep, they heard a tiny mewling sound coming from  
beneath an old car. As they watched, a very young kitten emerged from  
underneath the rusty chassis. Its eyes were barely open and it could  
barely walk.  
  
"Oh my, that kitten is too young to be away from its mother,"  
Ben said as he crouched down in front of the tiny animal. "Is it  
yours?"  
  
Calvin bent to look. "No, I don't know anyone out here with a cat."  
  
"It's very young, the mother should be somewhere close." Ben  
searched around the old car, hoping to find the mother nearby.  
  
Calvin joined him, but they could find nothing. Ben picked up the tiny  
kitten and tucked it into his jacket. They widened their search, but  
after half an hour they had to admit they had run out of places to look.  
Ben knew he should not leave the kitten for Calvin Sunsinger to care  
for. He would take it with him, perhaps to the local vet.  
  
"With your permission, Mr. Sunsinger, I would like to take the kitten  
back to Moose Jaw."  
  
"Of course, Benton, I am way too old to be looking after something  
like that."  
  
"Thank you sir." Ben looked at the kitten in his jacket. "I  
think I will have to take it to a vet."  
  
"My grandson, Jimmy, knows a woman in Riverhurst. She takes care  
of animals." Calvin scratched her head, his mind suddenly blank.  
"I wish I could remember her name. It's gone right out of my head."  
  
Ben smiled at the old man. "Never mind, Mr. Sunsinger. I'll make  
sure the animal is taken care of."  
  
Ben bid farewell to the elder and left the reservation, heading back  
to Moose Jaw with his tiny charge.  
  
Calvin waved to the Mountie as he drove off, then wandered back into  
his cottage, still searching his mind for the name of the woman he had  
mentioned. He was frustrated at not being able to remember the name  
of his grandson's friend, the Woman Who Cares for Animals. He remembered  
her face clearly, although it was some time since the young woman had  
been out to the reservation. He first met her when she rode out with  
Jimmy in his pick-up four years earlier. Calvin remembered her well;  
her long hair flying in the wind and the bright, happy smile she favoured  
his grandson with.  
  
Although the woman was several years younger than Jimmy, he knew she  
had been too strong for his grandson then. She had a fire in her that  
Calvin felt the first time he saw her. But his grandson and the Woman  
Who Cares for Animals had both prospered from the relationship and were  
still good friends. She had even danced at Jimmy's wedding. Calvin  
suddenly remembered something he should have told Benton; the woman was  
a Mountie too. He shrugged; it was too late now. Benton was a resourceful  
young man and he would see that the kitten was cared for.  
  
Calvin stepped into his kitchen to collect the glasses and plates from  
the table where he had served the Mountie. As he grasped Benton's plate  
his head was suddenly filled with messages. He smiled. It had been  
a long time since his senses had been this active � not since his  
dear wife, Martha, had passed away five years earlier. It seemed that  
Benton, too, was possessed of the same fire as the Woman Who Cares for  
Animals. It was still on the things he had touched. A wily smile spread  
across his lined face. Although Calvin thought his magic days were long  
gone, he figured it was worth a try.  
  
He carried Benton's plate out the door and set it on the ground. With  
a grunt, he settled beside it and began scraping a hole in the earth  
with his bare hands. Calvin called up the words of an ancient song he  
had not sung in many years. As the words flowed from his lips he held  
images of Benton and the Woman Who Cares for Animals in his mind. He  
flicked a handful of soil across the plate that Benton had touched, then  
tipped it into the hole. When he reached the final words of the song,  
he pushed the images from his mind into the hole and then filled it quickly.  
Calvin felt pleased with himself as he walked back into the house. The  
Woman Who Cares for Animals belonged with the Cree Nation, he had known  
it the first time he saw her four years earlier. But for now, she and  
the shy Mountie needed each other. The woman would return to her Cree  
family in time. Calvin knew it, for he had seen her red heart.  
  
  
Sergeant Doug McPherson shook his head as Ben Fraser finished telling  
the story about why he was so late in returning. "Well, Ben, the  
vet will be long closed now." Sergeant McPherson was amazed at how  
like his father Ben had turned out to be � always going that one  
step beyond the call of duty. "Unless you want to raise a cat, I  
suggest you take it out to Constable Madden in Riverhurst."  
  
Ben frowned and tilted his head. "Constable Madden, Sir?" He  
couldn't place the name.  
  
"Yes, she's involved in animal rescue � looks after injured  
wildlife." He saw Ben was still frowning. "You must have noticed  
her, Ben."  
  
"No, I don't believe I have, Sergeant McPherson."  
  
Doug McPherson shook his head and looked at his desk, grinning. "Well,  
Ben, you're the only man in Moose Jaw who hasn't."  
  
Ben didn't know what his Sergeant meant by that, but he took the woman's  
address and made the trip out to her home anyway.  
  
  
When he reached the home of Constable Cathy Madden, Ben checked the kitten  
tucked into his jacket and headed up the steps and onto the wide verandah.  
He cast an appreciative eye over the property. It was the sort of home  
that he himself hoped to have one day. He knocked on the door and waited  
several long minutes. If it hadn't been for the jeep in the drive and  
the loud music emanating from the open windows, he would have thought  
there was no one home.  
  
Just as he was about to knock again, the heavy wooden door swung open  
and a young woman smiled up at him. Sergeant McPherson was right, he  
did remember her. Their paths had crossed at the Academy. She was nearly  
a foot shorter than he was, with long brown hair and the brightest green  
eyes he had ever seen. Her compact body was barely covered by a short,  
thin dress made of a fabric he believed to be batik. It seemed an insubstantial  
garment for a cool spring evening, but she showed no signs of being cold.  
Now he understood Doug McPherson's comment. Although not beautiful in  
the usual sense, she had a style all her own. She was, quite simply,  
the most alluring woman he had ever seen.  
  
Ben cleared his throat and spoke. "Good evening, Constable Madden.  
I don't know if you remember me, I'm Benton Fraser." He held out  
his hand and the woman shook it, smiling brightly at him.  
  
"Yes, I remember. Please, come in, it's a little cool out there."  
  
Ben nodded and stepped into the hallway, still clutching his left hand  
against the kitten buried in his jacket. Constable Madden shut the door  
behind him.  
  
"What can I do for you, Constable Fraser?"  
  
"Sergeant McPherson suggested I come to you. I understand you take  
injured wildlife?"  
  
The woman nodded. "Yes I do." She took a step towards him and  
pointed at his jacket. "You got something in there?"  
  
Ben shied from the close proximity. He wasn't accustomed to being this  
close to woman wearing so little. "Yes, however, it's not exactly  
wildlife......."  
  
Constable Madden stepped forward and grabbed at his lapels, peering inside  
his jacket. The suddenness of her movement made him stop in mid-sentence.  
Ben blushed when he realised his extra height enabled him to see straight  
down the front of her dress. He caught a glimpse of violet lace. Shocked,  
Ben looked up and focused on the wall opposite, summoning up all the  
skills he had learned for sentry duty. Her breath on his throat and  
the heat of her body so close made his heart rate skyrocket. He hoped  
she didn't notice.  
  
"Oh my god, this is the smallest kitten I've ever seen. What happened  
to the mother?" Constable Madden looked up at him for a long moment  
and both stilled.  
  
Ben watched the muscles in her throat work as she swallowed. He swallowed  
too. Finally she looked away and he let out a small sigh. He cleared  
his throat again before answering.  
  
"Well I don't actually know. I found the kitten today whilst carrying  
out my duties. I wasn't able to locate the mother." He relaxed  
a little. Talking about the kitten helped him focus and get his racing  
heart under control.  
  
Suddenly, Constable Madden plunged her hands into the front of his jacket,  
her hands scrabbling against his chest as she tried to capture the kitten.  
The unexpected touch made Ben's heart rate rise again and sweat stand  
out on his brow. The small woman brushed against him and then pulled  
away with the kitten safely in her grasp. She turned away, leaving Ben  
gasping and startled at the sudden movement he felt in his groin. Seemingly  
oblivious, Constable Madden strode off towards the kitchen.  
  
"It's only about two weeks old," she said as she went.  
  
Ben waited for a moment, struggling to control his unruly body. He wasn't  
sure if he was supposed to follow or not, but he didn't want to leave  
just yet.  
  
"Will it live?" he asked, following her into the kitchen.  
  
Constable Madden smiled reassuringly at him. "Oh yes." She  
returned her attention to the kitten. "I don't normally get domestic  
animals, but I'm a sucker for cats. I love them."  
  
When she smiled again, Ben gave up all hope of trying to control his  
heart rate.  
  
  
Ben sat on the stool indicated by Constable Madden and watched as she  
wrapped the kitten in a towel and pressed it into his hands. He continued  
to watch as she raced around the room, gathering together a number of  
items on the kitchen bench. She explained the things she would need,  
but the words didn't really sink in. She left the room for a moment,  
allowing Ben time gather his thoughts. It also gave him time to look  
around.  
  
He was seated by an island bench in the middle of a large kitchen equipped  
with a large, old-fashioned combustion stove beside a commercial size  
modern gas stove. He wondered if a chef lived in the house. Perhaps  
Constable Madden's husband? No, he didn't recall seeing a wedding ring.  
Boyfriend perhaps? Ben felt an odd emotion that took a while to register  
as jealousy. Why did he feel jealous? He pushed the thought away and  
looked around at what else he could see from his perch in the kitchen.  
  
He could see a large, comfortable living room, with three old but well-loved  
sofas surrounding a good-sized fireplace. A skin drum rested on the  
wall above the fireplace, setting off a collection of artefacts from  
several indigenous nations. A staircase led to the upper floor, but  
Ben was unable to see where it ended. It seemed a big house for one  
person and he was certain that Constable Madden did not live there alone.  
Before Ben had time to ponder about Constable Madden's roommate and the  
nature of their relationship, she returned with the accoutrements for  
caring for an orphaned kitten.  
  
Constable Madden made him tea and together they fed the animal. They  
talked, but about what Ben could not say. He was too captivated by the  
way she interacted with the kitten. She told him to call her Cathy and  
Ben was pleased. He liked the way it sounded rolling off his tongue.  
A small, wicked part of his mind wondered what it would be like to whisper  
her name into the darkness in the heat of passion. Impatiently he pushed  
 **that** thought away, feeling shocked and embarrassed.  
  
By the time the kitten was fed and toileted and installed in a box under  
the stairs in the living room, Ben knew he was grinning like a fool.  
For reasons he couldn't fathom, he had lost the power of speech and answered  
Cathy's questions in sentences of about three words. When she invited  
him to stay for dinner and help her with the rest of the animals, Ben  
nearly leapt out of his seat with enthusiasm. He wanted to get to know  
this woman.  
  
After dinner she showed him around the property, pointing out nesting  
sites of various birds and animals. Ben was impressed with her knowledge  
of wildlife and wondered how she knew so much. He hoped there would  
be many opportunities for Cathy to tell her story. She showed him the  
vegetable garden she had started only this year and told him of her dreams  
of self-sufficiency. Ben imagined himself working side by side with  
Cathy. She would grow vegetables and he would grow flowers.  
  
When they returned to the house, Cathy made coffee and together they  
sat on the back verandah, looking out at the mountains in the distance.  
Ben felt more settled than he could remember. Something about this woman  
brought peace to his troubled soul and he was reluctant to leave.  
  
When he finally rose to go at 11.30pm, Cathy accompanied him out to the  
front porch. As they said their farewells by the faint porch-light,  
Ben knew he would be back. He watched Cathy in his rear-vision mirror  
as he drove off. A fire burned in his belly. He wanted her in a way  
he had never wanted anyone.  
  
  
The next day Ben went about his duties with only half of his mind present.  
The other half was off somewhere doing things with Constable Cathy Madden.  
Or rather, doing things **to** Cathy Madden. Throughout the day he  
found himself blushing whenever he thought about what he wanted from  
her. He had never entertained thoughts like that before. At the end  
of the day it came as little surprise when Ben found himself on the road  
to Riverhurst. His unruly body guided his actions.  
  
  
Ben was relieved to see Cathy smiling broadly when she opened her front  
door to him. It seemed she was as pleased to see him as he was to see  
her.  
  
"I thought I would come and help feed the kitten," he said  
by way of explanation. "You have so many animals to care for and  
as I am responsible for increasing your load, I would like to offer whatever  
assistance I can give."  
  
"Oh, Ben, I'm grateful for whatever help I can get. Feeding time  
is a nightmare at the moment." Cathy led him through the house to  
the kitchen where she had several animals in boxes lined up on the bench.  
  
"Perhaps you can teach me about some of the other animals, so that  
I can be of assistance with those."  
  
Cathy regarded him across the bench. "You always so formal, Ben?"  
  
He flushed and looked down at the floor. "I'm sorry, I don't mean....."  
  
Cathy reached across the bench and laid a small hand over his. "Sorry,  
Ben, I didn't mean to offend you."  
  
She held his gaze for a moment and Ben's heart raced. Her hand on his  
felt like a brand. It awed him that this tiny woman could affect him  
so easily. He had no reply. Eventually Cathy came around the bench  
and pulled a box towards them, smiling as she did, effectively covering  
his embarrassment.  
  
"You want to help?" She asked as she reached into the box and  
pulled out a bird. "You're just about to learn how to set a broken  
wing."  
  
  
Over the next few days Ben learned much more than how to set a broken  
wing. He learned how to treat a concussed animal, he learned the formulas  
for replacement milk for unweaned animals and he learned how to capture  
an injured bird. But the most important thing Ben learned as he worked  
side by side with Cathy Madden was about himself. Ben Fraser learned  
that he was falling in love.  
  
On the fifth evening of their blossoming friendship, Cathy was waiting  
for Ben on the front perch. She waved to him as he parked his jeep in  
its usual place beside hers. She grinned and stepped off the porch towards  
him.  
  
"Hi, Ben," she called cheerfully.  
  
"Good evening, Cathy, " he said as he stepped down from his  
vehicle.  
  
Cathy seemed to be inspecting him, in fact, he thought she was standing  
much closer than she usually did. He flushed. Cathy noticed. She laid  
her hand on his arm and led him into the house and his heart rate went  
through the roof.  
  
"I was out at Duck Lake rez today," Cathy said as they walked.  
"I was driving the elders around."  
  
"Oh yes. I did that last week." Ben frowned, puzzled as to  
why she was telling him this.  
  
"I didn't know you knew Calvin Sunsinger," she said, watching  
him for a reaction.  
  
"Only recently. In fact, it was at his house that I found the kitten."  
Now he understood. He knew Cathy had grown up in this area. So, it  
was no surprise that she was familiar with the locals, as he was with  
the Inuit community where he had been raised. Calvin Sunsinger had obviously  
talked to her about the kitten.  
  
"So you know Mr. Sunsinger?"  
  
"Yeah." Cathy nodded as they reached the kitchen. "I used  
to date his grandson."  
  
Ben absorbed this information, as Cathy left him to gather the implements  
for caring for the kitten. Once again he felt a stab of jealousy and  
it made him uncomfortable.  
  
"Oh," he said eventually, his voice small in the silence between  
them. He was aware of Cathy's eyes on him as he reached for a small  
feed dish.  
  
"He said something strange." Cathy's voice took on an odd note  
and Ben was suddenly afraid to look at her.  
  
"Strange? How?"  
  
"He told me he sent me a man." Ben felt Cathy's eyes boring  
into the back of his neck. "A Mountie."  
  
A chill ran through Ben and he couldn't speak for several long minutes.  
"He sent you a man?" he asked finally in a forced voice.  
  
Cathy stepped in front of him so that he had no choice but to look at  
her. "He's a shaman, Ben."  
  
  
In the days that followed, neither Ben nor Cathy made any further mention  
of Calvin Sunsinger's words or their significance. Years would pass  
before they spoke of it again. The time they spent together was used  
in learning more about each other.  
  
Ben was relieved to learn that Cathy lived in the house with her parents.  
She told him they were zoologists who spent most of their year living  
on a polar bear research station in Churchill, Manitoba. This led to  
more discussions about their lives and soon they realised they had a  
great deal in common.  
  
Their time together began to include more than animal care. They went  
canoeing together, they saw movies, and they went for long walks. Much  
of their time together was spent in long discussion about the things  
that were important to each of them. Cathy told Ben about her life in  
Moose Jaw and Ben told Cathy about his childhood in the Northwest Territories.  
Ben was sure Cathy was aware of his attraction to her, but was at a loss  
as to what to do. As luck would have it, two weeks after Ben met Cathy,  
Bob Fraser came to town.  
  
  
Ben rushed past Sergeant McPherson's office. He was running later than  
he had planned and he still had to pick up some supplies from the vet  
before heading out to Cathy's house. He was shocked when his father's  
voice called to him. Ben entered the office and greeted his father and  
his Sergeant.  
  
"I didn't know you were coming to Moose Jaw, Dad."  
  
"I'm on my way to Regina, Son. Training starts next week and I  
wanted to see you. I hoped we could eat together."  
  
Ben looked at his feet, his stetson clutched firmly in his hands. "Well  
actually, Dad, I have other plans."  
  
Bob's eyes widened and a hopeful look crossed his face. "A woman?"  
  
Ben turned a deep shade of scarlet. Sensing his Constable's distress,  
Doug McPherson came to the rescue. "Ben's been helping Cathy Madden  
with her wildlife caring."  
  
Bob regarded his son with new interest. "Ah Cathy......." he  
said, letting his voice trail off enigmatically. Sergeant McPherson  
nodded in agreement and Ben looked between the two men, bewildered.  
  
  
Later, when it was time to for Ben to leave, his father walked him to  
his jeep. "A word of advice, Son," Bob said, as Ben opened  
the door.  
  
Ben cocked his head to one side, a habit he had adopted when listening  
to his father.  
  
"Cathy Madden is not your average girl, Benton." Bob emphasised  
his meaning by shaking his head, then clapping a hand firmly on his son's  
shoulder. "If you want this one, you have to make your intentions  
clear from the beginning. She is not one to mince words. Reach out  
with both hands, Son, or else she'll be snatched out from under your  
nose." He leaned close, his voice dropping to a whisper, "Half  
of the men in the RCMP have their eyes on her and I know she's looking  
right back at them."  
  
Ben absorbed his father's advice with wide-eyed innocence. Was his father  
really saying what he thought he was? Should he make his intentions  
clear to the woman who had captured his mind for the last two weeks?  
  
"Do you hear what I'm saying, Benton?"  
  
He nodded vigourously. "Understood."  
  
Bob squeezed his shoulder. "Good. Now go. We can catch up next  
time I'm in town and perhaps there might be three of us eating together?"  
He winked at his son, who blushed again and got into his jeep.  
  
Ben said his farewells to his father and waved goodbye. As he drove  
through town he thought about his father's words and agreed that he was  
right. It was time he let Cathy know how he felt. But how? It took  
him a while to come up with the answer. With a satisfied smile he pulled  
his jeep into a parking space at the mall. Inside the florist, Ben was  
overwhelmed by the choices, but finally found what he was looking for.  
  
  
Ben was nervous when he pulled up at the Madden home. The posy of lilacs  
he purchased at the mall screamed his intentions from their place on  
the seat beside him. Clutching the flowers in front of him like an amulet,  
Ben ascended the porch and knocked on the door.  
  
"Good evening, Cathy," he smiled as she opened the door. She  
wore a flowing white cotton dress that glowed in the twilight and hinted  
at the shape of her body underneath.  
  
"Hi, Ben. Come in." She stepped aside and let him into the  
entranceway.  
  
"Thank you." Pressing the lilacs into Cathy's hand he mumbled,  
"For you." He watched her face for a sign that she was aware  
of the meaning in his choice of flowers.  
  
"Thank you, Ben! They're lovely," Cathy cried, reaching up  
to place a gentle kiss on his cheek.  
  
Ben's cheeks coloured and he shifted from foot to foot, but he was well  
pleased with himself. Now his intentions were obviously clear. Cathy  
surely knew that lilacs represent the first stirrings of love.  
  
  
It had become their routine for Ben to feed the kitten whilst Cathy prepared  
their dinner. She told him it gave her a break from caring for the animals  
and she loved having the chance to cook for someone else. From time  
to time Ben cast surreptitious glances Cathy's way. Did she know how  
he felt? Were his feelings returned? Ben felt certain Cathy was attracted  
to him, but it concerned him. His experience in this area was sadly  
lacking and he did not know what move, if any, he should make.  
  
From his position on the verandah he could see her in the kitchen. She  
danced as she worked. It made Ben smile. Cathy seemed to move constantly  
to some silent music, heard by no one except herself. He had never known  
anyone like her. His father's words came to mind.  
  
"Cathy Madden is not your average girl ........ you have to make  
your intentions clear......"  
  
Ben sat up with a start, waking the kitten that had fallen asleep on  
his lap. He would heed his father's advice. Tonight he would kiss Cathy  
Madden.  
  
  
Throughout the evening Ben watched the young woman, constantly looking  
for the right moment to make his move. After dinner they cleared the  
kitchen together. These simple rituals had come to give Ben so much  
pleasure. He handed Cathy the last of the dishes and she stacked them  
in the dishwasher, slamming it shut before turning to face him. Her  
face bore a look that filled him with desire. Now, more than ever he  
wanted to kiss her. He smiled, his heart racing so fast that he feared  
he might faint.  
  
Cathy took a step towards him and placed her hand on his shoulder. Her  
touch burned his skin through the thin t-shirt he wore. When she reached  
up and placed a gentle kiss on his lips Ben was sure his heart would  
burst from his chest. He didn't know what to do. This was what he wanted,  
but he had not expected for Cathy to be taking the lead. He was terrified.  
For once he decided to let his body take over. With a whimper, he slid  
his arms around the tiny woman's waist and pulled her hard against him,  
pressing his lips to hers. When he felt his body surge against hers,  
betraying his intent, Ben let her go quickly. Ashamed at what he wanted  
to do he fought to find words of apology, stuttering, as he was unable  
to fight through the desire he felt.  
  
"Would you like to spend the night?" Cathy asked, pressing  
against him again.  
  
The shame burned hotly on his cheeks as his eyes grew wide with shock  
and embarrassment. What must she think of him? A man unable to control  
his desires. "I...I think ...... I should be going ......."  
  
He licked his lips, a nervous habit he didn't realise he had, then backed  
away uncomfortably. Mentally he berated himself, realising that he probably  
sounded like he was desperate to get away from her. Nothing was farther  
from the truth. What he wanted to get away from was the alien urges  
coursing their way through his body. Cathy deserved more than that.  
  
"I mean..... it's late....and.....I have an early start tomorrow."  
  
He backed away to the living room, stopping only to retrieve his stetson  
from the coffee table. Cathy followed him. In his nervousness he stumbled  
over chairs and tables. At the door he stopped briefly.  
  
"Thank you for dinner. It was lovely, as usual. Good night."  
  
He opened the door and fled, not looking back as he jumped into his jeep  
and headed down the driveway. He did not need to look back to know that  
Cathy watched him from the porch, confusion showing on her face.  
  
  
Sleep would not come to Ben that night as he lay on his lonely bed.   
Strange and confusing thoughts drifted through his mind. First and foremost,  
he was embarrassed that he had left Cathy's home in such a rude and abrupt  
fashion. Secondly, he was ashamed that he had let his most wanton thoughts  
take over his body. But mostly, he was confused by what he wanted.   
He had wanted to kiss Cathy, but when the opportunity presented itself  
it scared him. Why?  
  
Realisation came slowly. He had no experience with women. Apart from  
the advice his father gave him earlier that day, no one had ever taught  
him what to do in these situations. The girls he had grown up with in  
Tuktoyaktuk were certainly different.  
  
  
The third morning after he ran from Cathy's house, Ben found himself  
reading the notice board at the Depot, checking to see which shift she  
was working. He did not hear the footsteps approach him.  
  
"Hi, Ben." He heard Cathy say behind him.  
  
He spun around, eyes registering his surprise. Cathy Madden stood before  
him, dressed in her RCMP uniform. The unisex garb did little to hide  
the feminine form underneath.  
  
"Oh, um......hello, Cathy," he stuttered, pulling at his collar  
with his fingers. "How are you?"  
  
"I'm fine," Cathy answered, stepping right into his personal  
space. "I haven't seen you for a few days."  
  
Ben suddenly felt very hot. "No....ah.....I've been rather busy...."  
he shuffled uncomfortably. "I'm sorry.....ah....will you excuse  
me? Sergeant McPherson will be expecting me."  
  
Cathy smiled at him and he abruptly pushed past her. As soon as he was  
around the corner, Ben opened the first door he saw and stepped inside.  
It was a broom closet. It only added to his humiliation. He leaned  
forward resting his head against the closed door.  
  
He felt foolish. Why had he rushed off like that? Why had he said Sergeant  
McPherson would be expecting him? Why was he so terrified of this tiny  
woman? Or was it the effect she had on him that scared him so? She  
had offered him what he had coveted for the past two weeks and he was  
incapable of dealing with it. Did he need more time? Had he missed  
his chance? What could he do?  
  
Several long minutes later Ben emerged from the broom closet. His cheeks  
had cooled and he felt in control once again. As he stepped into the  
bright corridor he heard a familiar laughter. It was Cathy. He turned  
in time to see her disappear out the door, laughing freely as she leaned  
on the arm of a colleague, a tall, handsome man with curly brown hair.  
He felt a stab of jealousy. He frowned and stalked off to start the  
day's duties. Something would have to be done.  
  
All morning Ben worried about what he should do and, after almost asking  
the advice of a colleague, he came up with the answer. During his lunch  
break he stopped off at the mall and purchased a case of cat food from  
the vet. Next he went to the florist and purchased a large bunch of  
flowers. As soon as his shift was over, Ben drove out to Cathy's home  
in Riverhurst. He knew that if he hurried he could get there before  
she returned home.  
  
He placed the box of food on the doorstep and laid the flowers across  
the top, where Cathy would find them as soon as she arrived home. Hastily  
he drove away, anxious to leave before she got there. When he was finally  
on his way, Ben relaxed. He knew that Cathy would understand the statement  
made by the enormous bunch of daisies. Of course she knew that daisies  
traditionally meant 'I'll think about it'.  
  
  
If Cathy got the message in Ben's flowers she never said and Ben was  
too embarrassed to ask. Their paths crossed from time to time, but instead  
of saying what he really wanted, Ben would enquire about the kitten,  
which by now bore the name Laura, purely because Cathy liked the name.  
As the weeks passed Ben became almost obsessed, so that unconsciously  
he began to watch Cathy's every move. He timed his lunch breaks so that  
he could eat at the cafeteria, as Cathy preferred to do. He positioned  
himself at the opposite end of the room so that he could observe unhindered.  
It seemed to Ben that Cathy ate with a different man every day. She  
flirted outrageously and by the end of each lunch hour Ben was filled  
with jealousy. But what to do? What stopped him from telling this woman  
how he felt?  
  
As the weeks went by, Ben continued to buy catfood and drive out to leave  
it on Cathy's doorstep. From time to time she would seek him out to  
thank him, but always his fear got the better of him and he would dash  
off without saying what was in his heart.  
  
Night after night Ben was unable to find sleep. Instead, his mind was  
filled with thoughts of the diminutive woman who had captured his attention.  
When he least expected it, his errant body would betray his thoughts  
and although there was no one in the room to see, his cheeks burned hotly.  
  
  
A warm summer morning, a month after running from Cathy Madden's home,  
Ben made his way to the cafeteria for some breakfast. He was working  
an early shift that started at 0700 and breakfast in the cafeteria was  
welcomed. As he entered the room he heard Cathy's familiar laughter  
drift to him from the direction of the coffee queue. His eyes sought  
her out. She stood close to a tall, broad-chested blonde-haired man,  
seemingly hanging on his every word. Ben snorted. He knew the man,  
Martin Lundstrom, and thought him unworthy of a woman like Cathy Madden.  
  
He stared at her shamelessly, willing her to look his way. She did,  
eventually, holding his gaze for what seemed like an eternity. For a  
moment Ben faltered and then Cathy looked away, turning back to Martin  
Lundstrom. Ben watched as she placed a slender hand on his arm and leaned  
into him, laughing at something he said. His father's words of a month  
earlier came back to haunt Ben, "Reach out with both hands, or  
else she'll be snatched out from under your nose. Half of the RCMP have  
their eyes on her and I know she's looking right back at them."  
  
Somewhere in Ben's mind a door opened and a galvanising force ripped  
through his body. He straightened visibly and walked away. He knew  
what he had to do.  
  
  
That night Ben showered and shaved, using sandalwood soap because he  
liked its earthy fragrance. He dressed slowly and deliberately, choosing  
jeans and a plain white t-shirt, then added his favourite worn denim  
jacket as an afterthought. When he was certain everything was just right,  
he gathered up the large bunch of jonquils he had purchased that afternoon  
and prepared himself for the drive to Cathy Madden's home in Riverhurst.  
  
  
When he was finally parked in Cathy's drive, Ben ran a hand through his  
hair to tidy any loose ends, then checked his appearance in the rear-view  
mirror. He almost didn't recognise the eyes that stared back at him.  
His desire was there for all to see, but for once he wasn't scared by  
it. He gathered up the jonquils and headed purposefully towards Cathy's  
front door.  
  
  
Cathy didn't seem surprised to see him when she opened the door, Ben  
noticed with the small part of his mind that was still thinking rationally.  
Cathy's eyes raked over his body with such force that he could almost  
feel her gaze. Neither of them spoke.  
  
"Can I come in?" Ben asked eventually, his voice husky with  
pent-up emotions.  
  
Cathy shook herself and stepped aside. "Yes, of course." He  
stepped inside and she shut the door behind him.  
  
"I don't know why I'm here," he admitted, once she was in front  
of him again.  
  
Cathy smiled knowingly. "Yes, you do."  
  
He held her gaze, his face expressionless. Of course he knew why he  
was there. He had thought about little else for the past month. But  
did Cathy know why he was there? It was the possibility of Cathy giving  
herself to the handsome blonde man with whom she had flirted that finally  
galvanised him into action.  
  
Silently he handed her the jonquils and waited for her reaction. She  
took the flowers, her eyes never once leaving his. Her pupils widened  
and the smile she gave stroked his body as he longed for her hands to  
do. Ben returned her smile. Clearly she knew that jonquils meant 'desire'.  
  
  
Cathy turned and walked into the living room, a flick of her hand indicating  
that Ben should follow.  
  
"Can I get you something? I'm having a beer."  
  
"Yes. Beer." At that moment he would have accepted anything  
she offered.  
  
Cathy disappeared into the kitchen and he stepped out onto the verandah  
to wait for her. Ben shed his denim jacket, suddenly feeling his body  
temperature rise again. Cathy emerged a moment later with their beers.  
He leaned against the railing and watched her walk toward him, noticing  
every muscle work in her slender legs. She handed him his beer and he  
took a sip, his eyes never once leaving hers. Cathy watched him and  
he felt himself flush under her gaze.  
  
Cathy's eyes closed slightly and she leaned towards him.  
  
"Cathy....." Ben started, in a voice thick with desire.  
  
She stepped close to him and placed her beer bottle on the railing.   
Ben could feel the heat coming off her body and it made him dizzy. His  
beer bottle joined hers on the railing. She reached out one hand and  
placed it on his chest, then slid it up to his shoulder. Ben moaned  
softly, marvelling at the touch.  
  
With a mind of their own, his arms slid around Cathy's slender waist  
and pulled her body hard against his. Their lips touched and Ben groaned  
as Cathy opened to him, her mouth warm and inviting. Ben knew in his  
soul that he had been waiting for this moment for an eternity.  
  
Ben pulled back to look at the woman in his arms, checking her eyes for  
the right sign before he spoke. "I'd like to take you up on the  
offer you made last time I was here." His voice was strong and confident,  
full of promise.  
  
She smiled seductively. "I'd like that."  
  
Newly fortified, he leaned forward and kissed her again. Ben groaned  
when he felt Cathy's tiny hand work its way between their bodies and  
settle on the bulge in his jeans. He had never met a woman like her.  
He had never felt anything like this. His fumbled and embarrassed attempts  
at teenage petting had given no hint of the delights he now experienced.  
What Cathy was doing to him went way beyond that.  
  
A wave of panic washed over him. He had never made love to a woman before  
and he didn't know what to do. He knew the mechanics, of course, but  
did he know enough to satisfy the obviously more experienced woman in  
his arms? He would have to tell her, before she noticed his lack of  
expertise.  
  
Reluctantly, Ben pulled away from Cathy. "Cathy�." he  
started.  
  
"Mmm?" she asked, nuzzling at his neck.  
  
"I�I�." he stuttered "There's something��uh�."  
His words were lost as she nipped at his chest through the fabric of  
his t-shirt.  
  
Cathy stepped back and regarded Ben through lowered lashes. "Come  
upstairs." It wasn't a request.  
  
Ben was glad he was leaning on the verandah rail. He felt weak. He  
was unable to move as he watched Cathy collect Laura and her basket from  
the verandah and take them into the house.  
  
Once the kitten was safe inside the house, Cathy came back for him.   
She reached over and grabbed his belt buckle, pulling him off the railing  
and into her arms. He could do nothing but follow. Cathy's tiny hand  
slipped into his and she led him wordlessly through the living room to  
the stairs.  
  
Ben's heart rate skyrocketed as he mounted the steps. He couldn't believe  
that he was really following Cathy to her bedroom. He had wanted this  
for weeks - forever. But what would she say when she learned he was  
a virgin? Panic hit Ben again and to buy some time to calm himself,  
he paused on the stairs. He noticed a small collection of photographs  
on the wall running alongside the stairs. He stopped to look at them.  
  
"My parents," she told him when she realised what had caught  
his attention. She indicated the wall with a sweep of her arm. "I  
plan to make this wall a giant photo album. I don't want my favourite  
pictures stuck away on a bookshelf."  
  
Ben nodded his agreement. Cathy pulled at his hand, urging him up the  
stairs with eyes full of promise. He didn't hesitate again.  
  
It took a moment for Ben's eyes to adjust to the darkness. The first  
thing he noticed was Cathy's untidiness. Her uniform was tossed over  
the back of a chair, several books lay on the floor and the closet door  
was hanging open. He tripped over a pair of RCMP issue boots as he  
followed her across the room.  
  
"Hold it there, Ben," Cathy said.  
  
He stood where she had left him and watched in the half darkness as she  
opened a drawer and removed several candles and a box of matches. When  
the candles were all lit and placed around the room, she turned her attention  
back to Ben.  
  
With the flickering shadows dancing across her body, Ben thought she  
was the most beautiful creature he had ever seen. Her told her so.   
She thanked him and stepped toward him. When she was within his reach,  
Ben grabbed her wrist and pulled her against him. A deep growl came  
from his throat as he kissed her, pressing her against him more tightly  
than before.  
  
Cathy's hands came up and pressed against his chest and he stepped back.  
She pulled at his t-shirt and it took a few seconds for him to comprehend.  
The shirt was up over his head before he had the sense to raise his arms  
so she could get it off. She was out of her own shirt a second later,  
revealing a delicate white lace teddy that left little to the imagination.  
He had never seen such a garment. He was awestruck.  
  
Ben watched her, his chest rising and falling rapidly. Cathy still did  
not speak. She reached for his belt and Ben panicked again. He clapped  
a hand over hers and halted her movements. Cathy jumped.  
  
"I've never done this before," he stated in a cool, no-nonsense  
tone.  
  
Cathy raised her eyes to meet his. Ben's heart leapt into his throat  
while he waited for her reaction. She continued to stare at him for  
what seemed like eternity. Slowly, a smile tugged at the corner of her  
mouth. Ben smiled as well.  
  
"Then I have a lot to teach you," Cathy said in a low sexy  
voice.  
  
Ben cocked his head to one side. "I'm a fast learner." This  
time he did not stop her when she began undoing his belt.  
  
  
  
Ben was sure he had died and gone to heaven. He had never experienced  
anything like it. He stared at the dark head resting on his shoulder  
and stroked the arm Cathy draped across his chest.  
  
"Oh my," he sighed into her hair.  
  
"Mmmm," Cathy replied in between the kisses she trailed across  
his chest, each one lower than the last. Ben was reminded of a cat.  
  
Ben gasped as the trail moved lower down his belly. "Oh my,"  
he said again.  
  
"Are you OK?" Cathy asked, moving back up his body and smiling  
at him.  
  
"I'm��a little��overcome�.." he responded,  
mentally kicking himself for his choice of words.  
  
Cathy's chuckle vibrated against his chest. "I'm not surprised."  
She pressed her lips against his chest and began her trail all over again.  
  
"What time is it?" Ben asked suddenly.  
  
Cathy raised up onto her elbows and regarded him. "You gotta be  
somewhere?"  
  
"Be somewhere?" Ben mentally kicked himself again. A month  
before he had made the mistake of sounding like he wanted to get away  
from her. He wasn't about to let it happen again. "Oh no, I just  
wondered what time it is. I seem to have misplaced my watch."  
  
Cathy moved away and checked her watch on the chest by the bed, then  
rolled back against him. "It's 10 o'clock. Do you have to go?"  
  
A smile spread across Ben's face. He wasn't going anywhere. He reached  
out a hand and ran his fingers down her face. A song he knew came to  
mind and he sang it to her. He didn't know why he sang that particular  
song. He didn't even really like Bob Dylan.  
  
Cathy seemed to like it. She mumbled something incoherent as he pulled  
her down for another kiss.  
  
  
It was much later when Cathy pulled away from Ben and regarded him with  
a curious eye.  
  
"You're right, Ben," she grinned at him. "You are a fast  
learner."  
  
"Was I�." He blushed. "I mean, am I�.was it�..oh  
dear�." He stopped when he saw laughter in Cathy's eyes.  
  
"Don't you dare ask me that Ben. You sound like you're in a B grade  
movie." She laughed and ran a hand down his chest. "Did I  
like it?" Her hand continued down the length of his body. "What  
do you think?"  
  
Ben sucked in a breath when she reached a tender part of his anatomy.  
Cathy's tiny, clever hands were driving him crazy. His heart rate picked  
up and sweat stood on his brow. He watched as a fire lit in Cathy's  
eyes.  
  
"What about you, Ben?" she asked huskily, her hands working  
on his heated flesh. "Did you like it?" His body responded  
more eloquently than any words.  
  
  
"I need to eat," Cathy announced much later. "Are you  
hungry?"  
  
"Starving." Ben smiled at the tiny woman beside him. He had  
no idea how late it was, but he was suddenly very hungry. He hadn't  
eaten dinner and the physical activity had exhausted him.  
  
"There has to be something in the fridge," Cathy said as she  
slipped out of bed.  
  
Ben watched as Cathy pulled a loose cotton shirt onto her shoulders and  
fastened a few buttons. He felt a surge in his loins and was mystified  
at the magic this woman had worked on him. They had already made love  
three times and his body, it seemed, was ready for more.  
  
"Kitchen's downstairs," she grinned at him as her eyes roved  
up and down his body.  
  
"Oh, yes." Ben blushed at his thoughts. He slid out of bed  
and gathered up his clothes.  
  
Cathy crossed the room and took the garments out of his hand, grinning  
wickedly. "You won't be needing those just yet," she said,  
stepping into the closet.  
  
After a moment rummaging around, she emerged with a length of fabric,  
which she held out to him.  
  
"A sarong," she stated. "You know how to do this?"  
  
Ben shook his head and Cathy reached around him, wrapping the fabric  
around his hips and folding, rolling and tucking it in with expert hands.  
  
"There you go. Much better." She smiled as she stood back  
to admire her handiwork.  
  
"Thank you," he answered, fumbling nervously with the folds  
of fabric and wondering if he shouldn't tie something in a knot.  
  
"Now let's eat."  
  
Obediently, Ben followed her downstairs, still poking anxiously at the  
cloth around his middle.  
  
  
Ben leaned against the kitchen counter and watched Cathy as she rummaged  
in the fridge. He loved the way her slender limbs moved and the play  
of muscle sliding over bone. The eroticism surprised him. Then there  
were her hands. Delicate, expert hands. Hands that had already brought  
him immense pleasure. He could resist no longer. He reached out and  
pulled her against his chest.  
  
Cathy was nearly a foot shorter than he and her head tucked neatly under  
his chin, like they were made for each other. It brought out all sorts  
of male instincts that he didn't quite understand. He held her tighter.  
  
Cathy rubbed her cheek against his bare chest. "Mmmm," she  
hummed.  
  
It was the sound that reminded Ben of a purr and he chuckled as he kissed  
the top of her head. "You remind me of a cat."  
  
"A cat?" Cathy looked up at him with wide, dark eyes and he  
couldn't help himself. He kissed her again.  
  
"You move like a cat, you purr like a cat. All you need is the  
tail."  
  
Cathy's throaty laugh reverberated against his body. "Well, Ben,  
that's because I was a cat in a previous life."  
  
"Oh," was all Ben could think to say. He kissed her again,  
long and slow. When he drew away he continued. "Cathy the cat.  
That's what I'll call you." He gave a self-satisfied smile. "Cat."  
  
Cathy laughed and rubbed herself against him. "I like it."  
Ben's body responded to her voice. "Make me purr."  
  
Ben's hands came up to tangle themselves in her hair as he kissed her  
again. Gently, he tugged her down onto the polished floorboards of her  
kitchen. As she tugged at the fabric around his waist, Ben was pleased  
Cat hadn't let him dress. She was a wise woman.  
  
"Oh, Cat," he whispered against her throat as he lowered his  
body onto hers. The food would have to wait.  
  
  
Ben woke early the next morning. The sun was barely over the horizon.  
The heavy warmth lying against him made him start. He was not accustomed  
to sleeping curled around another human being. He opened his eyes slowly,  
taking in the dark head lying so close to him and the slender body his  
arm was draped over. A smile lit his face. He was really here in Cathy  
Madden's bed. They had barely slept. A rush of warmth flowed through  
his veins as he remembered the night before. He kissed the pale shoulder  
in front of him and she stirred, turning slightly to smile up at him.  
  
"Hi," he whispered as a pair of sleepy green eyes raised to  
meet his.  
  
"Hi," she whispered back. She turned in his arms and kissed  
his chest dreamily, running a hand down his belly.  
  
Ben placed his larger hand over hers and halted its progress. "Oh,  
Cat, if you do that we'll never get out of this room." He kissed  
her forehead. "I have to go home and prepare for work."  
  
Cat grinned sleepily. "It's early, Ben. It's only about 5 o'clock."  
  
Ben turned and looked towards the window. "It's later than you  
think. It's about 5.25 am and I have to drive 35km back to Moose Jaw."  
His voice lowered and he nuzzled the tiny woman's neck. "I don't  
want to go, but I must."  
  
"Oooh, you are **such** a spoilsport." Cat moved away to  
let Ben out of the bed. "Next time make sure you bring a change  
of clothes."  
  
"Next time?"  
  
"Yes, next time."  
  
"Oh my," Ben whispered as he pulled Cat against him.  
  
  
Sometime later when the sun was higher in the sky, Ben reached over and  
checked his watch, which he had eventually located on the floor. He  
sat up with a start.  
  
"Oh dear. It's nearly 6.30." He swung his legs over the side  
of the bed and stood up. "I really have to go. I'll have just  
enough time to get home, shower and dress for work." He rushed  
around and collected his clothes from where they had fallen on the floor  
the night before.  
  
Cat leaned up on one elbow and watched him with an amused smile on her  
face. Ben stopped when he saw her.  
  
"I'm so sorry." He kissed her.  
  
"It's OK. I'm sorry I waylaid you."  
  
He sat on the edge of the bed and stroked her hair. "I'm not."  
Kissing her quickly, he stood again. "But I really have to go."  
  
After a lengthy farewell at the front door, Ben finally left his new  
lover. Feeling happier than he could remember feeling, Ben fought the  
urge to break the speed limit on his way back to Moose Jaw.  
  
  
  
Ray stared across the table at his friend, who smiled happily at his  
hands. He could see that Ben was lost in his memories.  
  
"So how come you broke up?" he asked, nervous about interrupting  
his reverie. His curiousity overcame his concern and he continued.   
"I mean, it sounds like you two were perfect for each other. What  
happened?" Cat had only hinted at the reasons she had broken up  
with Ben. Ray wanted to know more.  
  
The smile on Ben's face melted into a look of sadness and he tilted his  
head and stared out the window. It had started to snow again. He took  
a breath and spoke in a soft voice. "You see, Ray, I only stayed  
in Moose Jaw to be close to Cat. I always wanted to return to the Yukon."  
  
"So you left?" Ray asked, in between sips of his espresso,  
trying not to sound like he was pressing his friend.  
  
"Eventually, yes. As I said, I stayed in Moose Jaw for Cat. During  
our relationship we both took several short-term posts in remote areas,  
but we were never apart for very long. Then one day Sergeant McPherson,  
as he was then, informed me that a two year post in Whitehorse had become  
vacant."  
  
"And you took it?"  
  
"Eventually, yes."  
  
"Come on, Benny, cut to the chase."  
  
"The chase?" He reacted to Ray's glare of impatience. "Oh,  
I see." Ben cleared his throat, a little embarrassed at finally  
revealing so many intimate details of his life. He sat back and stared  
at a point over Ray's head and told how his relationship with Cat Madden  
had ended.  
  
WINTER 1981  
Ben waited impatiently for Cat to return home. He had a lot to share  
with her. He worked a morning shift and Cat worked the night shift.  
Even though he knew she was more than capable of taking care of herself,  
he still worried about her driving such a long distance at the end of  
a shift. In addition, the cold winds had turned the snowy roads icy,  
adding to the danger. He breathed a sigh of relief when he heard her  
jeep in the drive. Gently, he lifted Laura from his lap and placed her  
on a cushion by the fire then went to greet Cat at the door.  
  
Fifteen minutes later he installed her on the sofa with a mug of steaming  
hot chocolate in her hands. Bouncing on the balls of his feet in front  
of her, Ben waited for the right moment to share his news.  
  
"Ben, what's up with you? Ants in your pants?" Cat smiled,  
pulling gently on his wrist so that he sat beside her.  
  
"Oh, Cat," he grinned at her, "I have some wonderful news."  
  
Cat was caught by his enthusiasm and there was excitement in her voice  
when she asked, "What is it?"  
  
"Sergeant McPherson told me today there is an opening in Whitehorse.  
A two year post."  
  
"That's great, Ben. Did you tell him you want it?"  
  
"Yes. Yes, I did." His voice dropped to a whisper. "But  
it means we could be apart for some time."  
  
Cat shrugged. "We've managed that before. It's fine. I'll get  
up there when I can. This is your career and it's something you've wanted  
for a long time. I know you haven't been happy in Moose Jaw."  
  
He touched a hand to her cheek. "Oh I've been happy, Cat. Very  
happy."  
  
"But you'll be happier in Whitehorse."  
  
Ben smiled. "I'll be even happier when you're in Whitehorse with  
me."  
  
Cat reached out and hugged him. "We'll work it out."  
  
  
Later than night as they lay in the darkness of Cat's bedroom, a question  
that had burned at Ben, unasked, came to haunt him.  
  
"There's something I need to ask you, Cat."  
  
"Uh huh?" She turned on her pillow to face him.  
  
"Well, when I go to Whitehorse it may be some time before we see  
each other. Depending on where you get posted, it may be as long as  
a year." Ben stared at the ceiling, anxious about what he was about  
to ask.  
  
"And?"  
  
"It's just that you have ��appetites��and I  
thought �."  
  
Cat cut him off, leaning up on one elbow. "Ben, you're right. We're  
both young and I think we should be sensible about this."  
  
Finally he turned to face his lover. "Sensible?" His bewilderment  
was clear.  
  
"Yes." Cat kissed his shoulder quickly. "I think we should  
both be free to see other people."  
  
Ben could only stare in shock. "Cat�." The words he searched  
for would not come. "That's not what I meant�. I thought that  
��" He stopped, a strangled sound in his throat.  
  
"Oh." Cat looked away from him, staring into the shadows of  
the suddenly, painfully silent room.  
  
"I wanted to know if you would wait for me," Ben whispered,  
in a barely audible, hurt voice.  
  
"Wait for you?" Cat sighed and turned away, a strange stillness  
coming into her voice. "Ben, I can't promise you that."  
  
"I see."  
  
For a long time neither of them moved or spoke. Ben's heart pounded  
in his chest and he felt sick. His father's words of two years earlier  
came back to him.  
  
"Half the RCMP have their eyes on her and I know she's looking right  
back at them." _It seems my father was right_ , Ben thought,  
somewhat bitterly.  
  
He swung his legs over the side of the bed and sat up. "Is there  
someone else?" He asked, his voice sounding strangled and thick.  
  
Cat let out a long sigh. "No, Ben, of course not!" Sitting  
up behind him, she placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. "I'm just  
trying to be realistic. We're only 22, for gods sakes. Are you telling  
me that if some pretty Inuit girl made a pass at you, you'd turn her  
down?"  
  
"Are you telling me I shouldn't?" Ben asked, the bitterness  
in his voice surprising them both.  
  
"I'm not telling you anything. What I'm saying is that if you're  
attracted to someone, you should act on it. It won't change things between  
you and me."  
  
He turned to face her. "Is that what you'll be doing? 'Acting  
on it'?" He stood and walked to the window, keeping his back to  
her. "And I disagree. It will change things between you and me."  
  
"I won't stop loving you, if that's what you mean."  
  
"Did you stop to think about how I might feel? Love, Cat. That's  
what this is about. I love **you** and I don't want you 'acting on  
it' with someone else."  
  
"I see," Cat said as she got out of bed and joined Ben by the  
window. "I guess we have a problem."  
  
Ben turned to face her, moonlight shining in the tears on his cheeks.  
"Yes, Cat," he whispered in a harsh voice, "I think we  
do."  
  
  
"Geez, Benny, that's too bad," Ray said. Cat hadn't given  
him this much detail about their break up and he could see that it had  
caused his friend a great deal of pain. Ray had not expected to hear  
such a dramatic tale and his curiousity was aroused. "So what  
happened then?"  
  
Ben ran a hand through his hair. "Well, I spent a sleepless night  
in Cat's guest room." He shook his head and stared into the middle  
distance, seeing the room clearly in his mind. "I hated that room  
for a long time after that. Every time I went in there I remembered  
how I felt that night." He shook his head slightly, thinking it  
ironic that during his last visit with Cat, he had spent a night in that  
same room, just so he could feel closer to Phil.  
  
"I mean after that, Fraser." Ray said, a hint of frustration  
creeping into his voice.  
  
"Oh yes." Ben cleared his throat and went on with his story.  
"The next morning Cat told me she thought it best if we ended our  
relationship. So I told Sergeant McPherson to send me to Whitehorse  
as soon as possible."  
  
"And he did?"  
  
"Yes. A week later I was in Whitehorse." He took a deep breath.  
"I was very hurt."  
  
"Yeah I can understand that." Ray scraped a nervous hand across  
his scalp. He hadn't expected Ben to tell his story in such great detail.  
Truth told, he felt a little embarrassed. But he was still curious about  
how Ben and Cat had remained friends, how they had overcome the hurt.  
"So something must have happened, cause that was a long time ago  
and you're still real close."  
  
Ben looked across the table at his friend and chuckled. "Yes, Ray,  
something happened."  
  
  
SPRING 1982  
The Whitehorse depot was noisy and crowded when Ben arrived at work on  
a cool spring afternoon. A group of fur trappers had been apprehended  
nearby and brought in for questioning. The arresting officers still  
milled around the room, calling congratulations to each other and whooping  
with excitement.  
  
Constable Deschamps called to him across the room. "Fraser! There's  
mail in your pigeon hole." Like everyone else in Whitehorse, Deschamps  
couldn't figure out what was going on with Fraser. He kept to himself,  
seemed to have no friends, and had never, in the time he since his arrival  
in Whitehorse, received mail.  
  
Ben crossed the crowded room and retrieved the letter from his pigeonhole.  
Instantly he recognised the handwriting. Like everything about her,  
Cat's handwriting was an untidy scrawl. A smile crept onto his face.  
Cat always told him life was too busy to waste being neat. It had been  
six months since he left Moose Jaw and Cat. This was the first time  
he heard from her. He felt an ache in his chest. He still missed her.  
With shaking hands he opened the envelope and pulled out the letter.  
  
  
Dear Ben,  
  
I guess you're surprised to hear from me. I thought I should write and  
tell you we're about to become parents.  
  
Now that you've picked yourself up off the floor, I should tell you that  
it's Laura who is pregnant. I thought she was just getting fat, but  
I was wrong. The vet told me this morning that the kittens could come  
anytime in the next week or so. Guess I should have had her spayed,  
but it's too late to worry about that now. I'll send photos when the  
kittens arrive. I think I'll keep them all.  
  
Hope they're treating you right in Whitehorse.  
  
Love,  
  
Cat  
  
  
Ben read the letter three times before folding it carefully and tucking  
into the breast pocket of his jacket. He smiled for what felt like the  
first time in six months, his facial muscles stretching into unfamiliar  
lines. There was only one thing to do. Laura had brought them together  
in the first place and now she would do it again.  
  
It was easy to convince his Staff Sergeant, Buck Frobisher, to give him  
vacation time. Buck, like his father, had grown fond of Cat in the time  
Ben had known her. Two days later Buck put Ben on a plane bound for  
Moose Jaw with firm instructions to 'sort things out with your young  
woman'.  
  
  
  
Ben waited on Cat's front verandah. He knew where she kept a spare key,  
but he thought it best to wait outside. It didn't take long for Laura  
to become aware of his presence, forcing her swollen belly through the  
cat door installed by Ben two years earlier. She miaowed loudly and  
jumped onto his lap.  
  
"My, my, Laura," Ben smiled, scratching her chin and rubbing  
her tummy. "It seems you have been up to no good." Cat was  
right. Laura looked set to give birth at any moment.  
  
He leaned back into the chair with Laura settling in his lap, just as  
he had sat many times before. Now that he was back in Moose Jaw, it  
seemed like he had been away forever. For six months he had refused  
to acknowledge his pain, but now he let it come. He missed Cat and he  
ached to see her.  
  
As if sensing his pain, Laura stood and looked at him. Placing her front  
paws on his chest, she leaned up and rubbed her head against Ben's cheek.  
Ben smiled and, seemingly satisfied, she settled on to his lap again  
and went to sleep. Ben stared at the mountains in the distance and wondered  
how long it would be before Cat came home. It didn't really matter,  
though. He would have waited forever.  
  
Laura was still on Ben's lap half an hour later when Cat's jeep turned  
into the drive. He watched as the vehicle approached, waiting for the  
moment when Cat would see him. When she did, he stood and placed Laura  
carefully on the chair, then stepped off the verandah and walked towards  
the car.  
  
Cat pulled up a few metres away. She looked at Ben, unsmiling, before  
opening the car door and climbing down. Ben's heart raced. Was coming  
back the wrong thing to do? He waited, frozen, as Cat walked towards  
him. She stopped in front of him, so close that he could feel the heat  
of her body.  
  
"You come all the way from Whitehorse with another homeless animal?"  
Cat asked eventually, a small smile curling at the corner of her mouth.  
  
"No, not quite...." Ben's voice trailed off as Cat's right  
hand came up to rest on his chest. He almost gasped out loud at her  
touch.  
  
"You got something in there?" she asked, as she had the first  
night they met.  
  
Ben lifted his left hand and covered Cat's hand, trapping it in place  
over his heart. He smiled sadly. "Yes. Yes, I do. Something injured."  
  
With a gentle sigh Cat laid her head on his chest and Ben lifted his  
other hand to hold her in place. A strangled sob fell from his lips  
as he held her. Until that moment he had not realised how much he craved  
the physical contact. It was a long time before they moved.  
  
"What are you doing here, Ben?" Cat asked after a while.  
  
He let his hands drop, releasing the tiny woman. He hesitated before  
speaking. "I got your letter and thought...." His voice trailed  
off and he ran a hand through his hair. "I don't know what I thought.  
I just wanted to see you.......I......I miss you."  
  
Cat stepped away from him and rested her hands on her hips, looking him  
up and down as if seeing him for the first time. He'd lost weight and  
his eyes were dark and dull. It looked like the past six months had  
been hard on him. She sighed heavily, shaking her head and Ben thought  
she looked like a woman weighing her options. Finally, she tilted her  
head to one side and gave him a sweet, wry smile.  
  
"I've missed you too, Ben," she said eventually.  
  
In a heartbeat they were in each other's arms, kissing and hugging as  
if their lives depended on it. Then they stumbled towards the door,  
Cat fumbling with the keys she fished from her pocket as they went.   
With deft movements, Ben snatched them from her hand and released her  
long enough to open the door.  
  
Once inside, they moved into each other's arms again with renewed vigour.  
With a predatory growl, Ben marched Cat backward towards the sofa, still  
kissing her. A small part of his mind told him that he was acting like  
a caveman and he pulled back ashamed of his lack of control. In response,  
Cat grabbed a handful of his shirt and pulled him back against her, guiding  
them both onto the sofa.  
  
They made love fiercely, almost desperately, with their clothes half  
on, half off. Ben felt like a man possessed, powerless to stop, his  
desire fuelled by the words of demand Cat whispered in his ear.  
  
When the storm passed, Ben found himself in a rather uncomfortable position  
half off the sofa, with his jeans bunched around his knees and his shirt  
hanging from the still buttoned cuff on his left wrist. The front door  
was still open. He felt the colour rise on his cheeks as he lifted his  
head to look at the woman under him.  
  
Cat, too, was in a similar stated of undress, her shirt bunched up around  
her throat and her uniform pants caught on the boots she hadn't taken  
time to remove. Her eyes sparkled with amusement and Ben smiled, his  
embarrassment forgotten for the moment. A second later they were both  
laughing hysterically and exchanging kisses like they had never been  
apart.  
  
  
Ray cleared his throat and began picking at imaginary lint on his trousers.  
"Geez Benny, I don't think Cat would like you telling me all this."  
  
Ben was surprised to see Ray blush for the second time that day. He  
smothered a smile as he reached for the sugar bowl, stirring a generous  
amount into his tea. He knew Ray had never suspected there were events  
in his past like the ones he described.  
  
"On the contrary, Ray," Ben smiled across at his friend, enjoying  
the momentary reversal in their relationship. "I'm surprised she  
didn't tell you herself." He took a swallow of his tea. "Cat  
is a woman of few inhibitions, as I'm sure you discovered."  
  
Ray blushed for a third time under the steady gaze of the Mountie and  
then hastily changed the subject. "Yeah, well, you're still not  
answering my question, Fraser. What happened?"  
  
"Oh. Oh yes." Ben hesitated for a moment, not really wanting  
to leave behind the good memories to go on to the bad.  
  
  
Before they could regain their composure, Laura let out a loud yowl.  
She had followed them into the house and seemingly taken up residence  
on the sofa opposite. Cat shoved Ben off her, somewhat unceremoniously,  
stood and adjusted her clothes, then raced to Laura's side. Ben sat  
up and rearranged his own clothes, watching as Cat tended to Laura.   
The cat was uncomfortably treading circles on the sofa cushion.  
  
"I think she's getting close," Cat breathed, tucking her hair  
behind her ears.  
  
"Oh my." Ben joined her on the other side of the room, watching  
as Cat anxiously stroked Laura's back.  
  
"In the bedroom there's the basket she likes. Bring it down here."  
Cat's voice became suddenly businesslike, their intense intimacy of only  
minutes earlier all but forgotten.  
  
Ben got to his feet and went to retrieve the basket, trying desperately  
to ignore the faint stab of rejection he felt by telling himself that  
this was the very reason he came back. He knew the most important thing  
at that moment was to care for Laura. They could deal with their relationship  
later.  
  
"Bring some of the animal towels as well," Cat called after  
him.  
  
Ben collected the requested items from the closet where Cat kept her  
animal caring things. Upstairs in the bedroom he paused for a moment,  
remembering the many happy nights he had spent in this room. For the  
second time that day he wondered if coming back had been a mistake.   
With a dejected heart, Ben carried the items back downstairs to Cat.  
  
When Cat had Laura safely installed in the basket on the sofa, she turned  
to Ben and smiled. The look she gave him dispelled any sadness he felt.  
  
"I'm glad you're here to share this, Ben," she said, stroking  
a hand down his arm. "I think Laura waited for you."  
  
As if in confirmation, Laura yowled again. This time it was a sound  
full of pain and anxiety. Cat stroked the feline, whispering calming  
words of encouragement. Ben sat back on his heels and watched her movements,  
the same cat-like movements that he had fallen in love with two years  
earlier.  
  
"Can I do anything?" he asked, keen to be a part of what was  
happening.  
  
"No, just stay here with me. Laura needs us both at the moment."  
She reached out and gripped his hand and they settled together on the  
floor in front of the sofa.  
  
Sometime later, amidst words of encouragement and tears of joy, Laura  
produced her first kitten, a tiny tortoiseshell ball. When Cat looked  
up at Ben, there were tears in her eyes. His heart leapt and he hugged  
her quickly, tears forming in his own eyes. Cat sent Ben to the kitchen  
for some food and milk for Laura and when she had cleaned her firstborn  
kitten, they hand fed her.  
  
"Are you hungry?" Ben asked sometime later.  
  
"A little."  
  
"I'll get us something to eat while you stay with Laura."  
  
  
Ben wandered into the kitchen he knew so well. He and Cat had shared  
many happy times in this room, preparing meals and caring for animals.  
He bit back a sob as he randomly opened cupboards looking for something  
quick and easy. A tin on the bench caught his eye and he opened it gingerly,  
certain that he knew what it contained. Resting on a plate was a fig  
cake. He was touched. Cat knew it was a favourite of his. It was a  
recipe that required two days preparation and lots of fiddling with different  
ingredients and for that reason Cat did not make it often. He was smiling  
happily when he returned to the living room with sandwiches.  
  
"You made a fig cake," he said as he settled on the floor beside  
her.  
  
Cat looked up from Laura and rewarded him with a winning smile. "I  
knew you were coming."  
  
"How?" Ben asked, "Did Sergeant Frobisher call you?"  
  
Laura yowled. It was time for another kitten. Cat smiled at him. "I  
just knew."  
  
He knew by the tone of Cat's voice that it was a subject about which  
she would say no more.  
  
  
Three hours after Laura's fourth kitten was born, Ben and Cat agreed  
there would probably be no more. It was well after midnight. Ben sat  
back on the sofa and waited for a sign from Cat. Eventually she held  
out a hand to him.  
  
"Come to bed, Ben. It's late."  
  
He took her hand and let her lead him up the stairs, just as he had the  
first time, more than two years earlier. Upstairs they slipped wordlessly  
into each other's arms. There were no candles this time, just the moonlight  
stroking their bodies as they made love with a tenderness that was missing  
from their frenzied coupling on the sofa that afternoon.  
  
"Oh, Cat, I've missed you so much," Ben sighed into Cat's hair.  
He moved his hand up to stroke the dark head resting under his chin.  
  
Cat shifted in his arms, wrapping herself around him tightly. "How  
long are you staying, Ben?"  
  
"I have a week."  
  
"Good." Cat kissed his throat. "Thank you for coming.  
I'm glad you were here to share this."  
  
"Me too. Watching Laura produce those kittens is the most wonderful  
experience�" he hesitated for a moment, then hugged her more  
tightly against him as a rush of warmth spread through his veins. "It  
makes me think about what it would be like if we were bringing our own  
child into the world."  
  
Cat didn't respond for some time and her silence made Ben quake with  
fear. He felt her withdraw emotionally and for the moment he was too  
scared to call her on it.  
  
"We have to talk, Ben," she said in a whisper sometime later.  
  
Ben nodded. He wanted to talk too. He had some things he had wanted  
to say for a long time. "Yes, Cat. We do."  
  
"But not now. It's late. We'll talk tomorrow."  
  
  
The next afternoon Cat rushed through the front door startling Ben, who  
looked up from the kittens he was watching.  
  
"Cat, I didn't hear you."  
  
She grinned and leaned down to kiss his forehead. "Parenthood got  
to you huh?"  
  
He smiled and pulled her down for another kiss. Several minutes later  
he let her go again, reluctantly.  
  
"How's Laura been today?" Cat asked, leaning down to lavish  
some attention on the animals.  
  
"She's doing well. The kittens are all fine. She's a very attentive  
mother."  
  
"I knew she would be," Cat said as she stroked her pet. "How  
about I make us something to eat?"  
  
She stood and turned toward the kitchen. Ben nodded and followed, casting  
a quick glance over his shoulder at the cats. Laura would call if she  
needed them.  
  
  
It was a warm summer evening and they took their meal onto the verandah  
to eat by candlelight, something they had done many times in the past.  
As he arranged the salad, bread and plates on the table, Ben smiled to  
himself, feeling pleased he had come back. Tonight would be just like  
the way it used to be. Maybe better.  
  
  
"Is now a good time to have that talk?" Ben asked later, between  
mouthfuls of salad.  
  
"Yeah, I think it is." Cat smiled at him, but there was an  
edge to her expression that did not fill Ben with confidence. "Should  
I start?" When he nodded, she continued. "Remember how when  
we first met I told you there was a bond between us?"  
  
"Yes, of course I do," Ben responded eagerly. "We talked  
about the possibility that we have had other lives together."  
  
"I **know** we've had other lives together." Cat put her  
fork down and reached across the table to take Ben's hand. "What  
we have is very special. It goes way beyond the here and now. "  
  
Ben leaned closer, excitement colouring his voice. "We were meant  
to be together."  
  
"Yes we were, " Cat agreed "It was for a reason�."  
  
Ben slid his chair closer to Cat, cutting off her words. He could contain  
his excitement no longer. "Please, Cat, don't say any more,"  
he licked his lips and ran his thumbnail over his eyebrow nervously.  
"I need to say something�.well �.actually��it's  
more of a question��"  
  
"Go on."  
  
Ben gripped both of Cat's hands in his and leaned closer still, then  
took a deep breath and spoke, "Cat Madden, will you marry me?"  
  
The silence that followed was deafening. Countless emotions raced through  
Ben's body as he waited for Cat's response. The seconds ticked by and  
he grew panicky, desperate to hear any sound. His throat was dry and  
he swallowed hard, then licked his lips. In despair, he squeezed Cat's  
hands tighter.  
  
"Oh my god�." Cat breathed in a whisper.  
  
"Cat�.." He leaned closer, feeling her breath on his face.  
  
"Oh, Ben�.." Cat's voice was strangled.  
  
"Cat�.?" he asked in a voice close to tears. "You're  
scaring me."  
  
"I had no idea�.I mean�.I didn't expect this�.."  
  
"Is that a yes?" Ben tightened his grip on Cat's hands and  
moved closer still so that their lips almost touched.  
  
"Ben, I'm so sorry," Cat's eyes filled with tears.  
  
"Is that a no?" Ben let go of Cat's hands as if burned and  
sat back in his chair, the shadows hiding his face from her. Tears welled  
in his eyes and he clutched the arm of his chair tightly.  
  
"I can't marry you, Ben." Cat's tears ran freely down her cheeks.  
  
Ben took a deep breath and let it out slowly, his chest heaving with  
barely contained emotion. "I see," he rasped through tears  
of his own.  
  
Cat sighed and spoke in a breathy whisper. "No, I don't think you  
do. I'm not saying no for the reasons you think."  
  
Ben started to speak, influenced by the bitterness creeping into his  
heart, but thought better of it. He stayed in the shadows and let Cat  
speak. He wanted to hear her reasons.  
  
Cat's voice sounded weary. "You see, Ben, I am not the person you  
are destined to be with. I'm not the person who will give you what you  
need. I am not your soul-mate."  
  
"Are you saying you don't love me?" Ben's question was defiant,  
challenging Cat to deny it.  
  
"No." Cat took a deep, shuddering breath. "I love you  
more than I can say." She swallowed again, fighting tears. "But  
you are yet to meet the person who will love you in ways I can't �  
who will give you things you don't even know you need � things that  
I don't even know you need."  
  
"But you said we were meant to be together," Ben was unable  
to stop a bitter edge creeping into his voice.  
  
"We were, but that time has passed," Cat's voice wavered and  
she began to cry again. "This hurts me too, Ben." With a  
heart-wrenching cry, she lowered her head and sobbed.  
  
Ben listened from the shadows, absorbing what Cat told him. For the  
moment he was unable to offer her comfort, although his arms longed to  
hold her. He needed some time to come to terms with his feelings �  
to come to terms with the assertions Cat made.  
  
He didn't fully understand how she knew the things she knew and she never  
bothered to tell him. For more than two years he had trusted her completely  
and he knew her instincts were always right. So why then did he hurt?  
He shook his head, pushing the thought away. He had instincts of his  
own and he knew their time together was not at an end. It was that instinct  
that made him slip off his chair and kneel at Cat's feet, pulling her  
into his arms.  
  
They held each other, sobbing for a long time. So long that Ben's knees  
began to ache. Slowly he got to his feet and tugged at Cat's hand to  
join him.  
  
"Please," he whispered in a voice deep with need. "Hold  
me."  
  
Cat let Ben pull her to her feet and into his arms. He felt numb and  
didn't know what to say. He let Cat rock and sway him until an urgency  
started somewhere in his belly. He debated with himself for a long time  
before speaking.  
  
"I �I want ��I need to�.make love to you�."  
Ben said as he pressed his lips against Cat's throat.  
  
She pulled away from him, her hands gripping his upper arms tightly.  
"Ben� I meant what I said before."  
  
"Please, Cat�" Ben didn't know what made him want this  
so badly, just as he didn't know what made Cat eventually say yes. Leaving  
their unfinished dinner on the table, Ben and Cat went upstairs.  
  
  
Ben cradled Cat in his arms and for a long time neither of them spoke.  
His body still tingled from their lovemaking and he didn't want to break  
the spell. Finally, it was Cat who broke the silence.  
  
"We shouldn't have done that, Ben."  
  
"Why not?" his voice was strangled, fearing further rejection.  
  
He felt Cat's body lift in a sigh. "Because of all the things I  
said. Because I can't give you what you want."  
  
"What is it you think I want?" he asked, defiant once again.  
  
Cat shrugged. "Commitment, marriage, babies � happy ever after."  
  
What Cat said was true; he longed for all those things. He glanced around  
the room before replying. "What is it that **you** want, Cat?"  
  
"Love, Ben. That's all I want." She pressed her lips tenderly  
against his shoulder.  
  
" **I** love you," Ben insisted, pulling his lover closer  
against him.  
  
"I know," she responded sadly. "And I love you. It's  
just that **you** want something I can't give you and **I** want  
something that's not fair of me to ask from you."  
  
Ben's heart pounded in his chest. He knew what Cat wanted, without asking,  
but something perverse in the back of his mind shouted at him to make  
her say the words. "I should be the one to decide whether it is  
fair of you to ask something of me, not you. Why don't you tell me what  
you think it's not fair to ask?"  
  
"No, Ben...."  
  
"Tell me, Cat," the insistence in Ben's voice surprised them  
both.  
  
The compact body in his arms lifted again in a long sigh. "Love.  
No ties, no strings, no expectations, no questions. Just your love."  
The unspoken part of Cat's statement rang in Ben's ears as clearly as  
if she had said it, _"and the love of others."  
_  
It was a while before Ben could respond to Cat's statement. He knew  
what she wanted, she had made it clear six months earlier. He needed  
to make a decision quickly, before she sent him away again. He took  
a deep breath, holding it momentarily before releasing it in a huff.  
  
"I've thought about what you said." Ben ran his hand through  
Cat's hair as a diversion to stop the panic rising in him. "I don't  
want to lose you. Perhaps what you said six months ago is right �  
we are both too young. We shouldn't be tied down yet." Ben groaned  
inwardly at his use of cliché, but continued nonetheless. "There  
can still be a place for you and I."  
  
Cat raised herself onto her elbows and stared at him, incredulous. "Do  
you know what you're saying?" Ben nodded. "I'll be seeing  
other people. Are you OK with that?"  
  
Ben pulled Cat to his chest before he answered. He didn't want her to  
see his eyes. "Yes, Cat. I'm comfortable with that."  
  
  
Ray blushed again and looked around the diner for the waitress. When  
he caught her attention he ordered more coffee and then ventured a look  
at his friend.  
  
"Jesus, Fraser. Did you really say that? Were you�..you�.really  
OK about that? I never thought you'd accept something like that."  
  
Ben fixed him with a stony glare. "I lied, Ray."  
  
" **You** lied?" Ray scratched his head in disbelief. "You  
 **lied**?"  
  
"Yes, Ray. I lied."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"It's simple, Ray. I was faced with a choice. Either I accepted  
Cat's terms for a relationship, or I would lose her."  
  
"But couldn't she tell you were lying?"  
  
Ben nodded. "Yes, I think she could."  
  
"So how did you get around it? I mean, what happened?"  
  
"Well, it was some time before I realised the truth in Cat's words."  
Ben sighed and stared out the window, remembering how he felt the first  
time he set eyes on Phil McKenzie. Reflecting back, he realised that  
in that instant he finally understood Cat's words. His heart swelled  
with love at the memory. Right now he loved Cat more than ever. Loved  
her for having the strength to be honest with him. Although not realising  
it at first, as he gazed at Phil McKenzie that first day he knew he had  
met his soul mate. He knew he loved Phil before he knew her name.  
  
Ray screwed up his face. "Aw, come on, Fraser. Don't leave me  
hanging like this. How did you handle it?"  
  
Startled, Ben turned back to Ray. "Oh. Yes." He cleared his  
throat and continued. "I stayed with Cat for that week and then  
I returned to Whitehorse. You see, Ray, I was sure Cat loved me and  
I convinced myself that sooner or later she would come to her senses  
and accept my proposal."  
  
"But she didn't." Ray smiled.  
  
Ben returned the smile, looking wistful. "No, she didn't. For several  
years I held the hope she would change her mind � but you know the  
rest."  
  
"No I don't, Benny. You keep changing the subject."  
  
"Ray, I **did** tell you that this story could quite possibly  
take two hours to tell."  
  
"Yeah, yeah. Just get on with it." He signalled to the waitress  
for more coffee, although he'd had way too much already.  
  
Ben stared at the waitress as she crossed the room. "Two months  
later I went back to Moose Jaw."  
  
"To see Cat?" Ray addressed the waitress. "Another espresso.  
Fraser?"  
  
Ben shook his head and waited for a moment until the woman walked away.  
  
"Essentially yes." He swallowed. "Sergeant Frobisher  
called me into his office one morning and told me that there had been  
an incident in Churchill, at the research station where Cat's parents  
worked. Apparently six scientists were working on an ice-shelf when  
it gave way. At that time none of the missing were identified, but Cat's  
parents names were on the list. So, I called the RCMP in Churchill and  
they told me that six bodies had been recovered, but were still unidentified.  
At that point, no relatives had been contacted. Sergeant Frobisher gave  
me permission to go straight to Moose Jaw." Ben looked out the window,  
remembering that awful day.  
  
  
SUMMER 1982  
"Cathy's parents have been positively identified, Ben." Sergeant  
Doug McPherson picked up the wire from Churchill and handed it across  
the desk. "I'm glad you're here."  
  
Ben read the paper that gave the list of the dead. All six scientists  
had fallen into the icy waters of Hudson Bay and been swept to their  
deaths by the current. A lump rose in his throat as he contemplated  
the horror of their deaths. He prayed they had died quickly.  
  
"This is terrible," Ben whispered, sadness gripping his heart  
as he wondered how Cat would handle it. Although Ben had only met Cat's  
parents on three occasions, they had gotten on well. "Would you  
like me to tell her?" he asked, looking up again.  
  
"I'd like you to be here when I tell her." Sergeant McPherson  
smiled sadly at the younger Mountie. Ben nodded and then took a seat  
by the desk.  
  
The two men fell silent and waited for Cat to return to the Depot. There  
was no need for conversation. Sometime later a knock sounded at the  
door and Cat's head appeared around its edge. She greeted Sergeant McPherson  
first and stepped into the room. A second later she noticed Ben.  
  
"Ben!" she cried, rushing to his side. "What are you  
doing here?"  
  
"Hello, Cat�" he said in a voice filled with pain as he  
rose to his feet.  
  
"Cathy, please sit down." Sergeant McPherson came out from  
behind his desk, indicating the chair Ben had just vacated.  
  
"What's going on, Doug?" she asked, a note of panic hitting  
her voice as she looked between the two men.  
  
"I have some bad news." He took a deep breath. "It's  
your parents, Cathy. I'm so sorry to have to tell you this, but they  
were involved in an accident�.an ice floe collapsed�.their  
bodies have only just been recovered."  
  
"No�oh dear god no�." Cat reached out to grip the  
back of the chair, the colour draining from her face. She looked like  
she was about to faint.  
  
"I'm so very sorry, Cathy." Sergeant McPherson whispered, but  
she didn't hear him. She stared open-mouthed at Ben.  
  
Ben moved forward and swept Cat into his arms, cradling her head against  
his chest. She collapsed into his arms and, unable to hold her up,  
Ben sank to the floor taking her weight on his thighs. He pulled her  
onto his lap and held her like a child while she sobbed into the folds  
of his shirt. Gently, he kissed the top of her head and rubbed soothing  
circles on her back, but Cat was too shocked to notice. It didn't take  
long before Ben's tears joined Cat's. Neither of them noticed Sergeant  
McPherson leave the room.  
  
  
Ray swallowed hard. "Oh, Benny, I'm so sorry. Both of you have  
lost your parents in such tragic circumstances. I had no idea."  
It seemed the bond between Cat and Ben went far deeper than he had imagined.  
For the second time that night Ray found himself wondering why they had  
not married. It seemed to him that they were meant to be together.  
  
"Yes, it was terrible. Cat's parents were.... eccentric, to say  
the least and, despite the fact that they saw each other only once a  
year, they were very close. Cat was devastated. I almost had to carry  
her to the car that day." Ben traced circles on the table with his  
teaspoon, remembering vividly the events he described. "When I got  
her home, I put her to bed. She wouldn't eat. She didn't want to talk  
about it. I was terrified. Finally, I got into bed with her and held  
her all night whilst she cried." He looked up at Ray again. "It  
was then I realised there was a shift in our relationship."  
  
"A shift?"  
  
"Yes. At first I didn't realise what was happening. But then I  
started thinking of Cat like I thought of Becka. Suddenly I felt like  
a big brother. Cat had no family left and she needed me in a way that  
I hadn't thought about before. I became her family."  
  
"So you fell out of love?"  
  
"No. On the contrary, I loved her more than ever."  
  
"You're not makin' much sense, Fraser," Ray said with a hint  
of confusion in his voice. If what Fraser said was true, their bond  
had grown stronger since Cat's parents' deaths. To his way of thinking,  
if you loved someone you didn't let them go. A wave of guilt hit him  
suddenly. What about Casey?  
  
Ben shrugged imperceptibly. "We never talked about the nature of  
our relationship again. Foolishly, I thought if I didn't ask too many  
questions, it wouldn't touch me. If I didn't hear the words, it wasn't  
happening. For several years I maintained my facade. I learned to accept  
Cat's terms by denying they existed. We would visit each other a few  
times a year and the time we spent together was as it always had been.  
We would make love with a ferocity that still astounds me today. But,  
I never told Cat how much I longed for her between those visits. I thought  
it wise not to ask what she felt � or did � during the time  
we were apart. If I ever thought about her, um, her ... other lovers...  
my thoughts always disappeared as soon as she was in my arms again."  
Ben looked at his hands, slightly embarrassed. "Not a satisfactory  
way to live, I know."  
  
Just like his life now, Ben thought, somewhat bitterly. It had been  
a long time since he had held anyone in his arms, a long time since he  
had slept curled around someone he loved. He shut his eyes briefly,  
trying to ignore the longing he felt for someone to hold him. No, not  
someone � Phil. Not a satisfactory way to live.  
  
"Surely Cat knew how you felt?" Ray's voice caused Ben to look  
up.  
  
Ben nodded. "Yes, I'm certain she knew. She knew me too well not  
to." Ben straightened in his chair. "Cat was always a little  
� aloof � emotionally after she turned down my marriage proposal.  
It was some years before I could admit that I knew she hid a part of  
herself from me."  
  
Ray looked away from Ben. His thoughts raced. Cat and Ben continued  
to be lovers for several years. Ben had just told him plainly. Did  
that mean they were still lovers? Did Ben still feel the same way about  
Cat? This was turning out to be a stranger relationship than he first  
imagined. "What about now, Benny?"  
  
"Now?" Ben turned an ingenuous face to his companion.  
  
"Yes, now." Ray blushed again. "Do you still....."  
he waved his hands in the air.  
  
"Oh." It was Ben's turn to blush. "No, Ray. Not for many  
years." Twelve years to be precise. Not since he met Phil McKenzie.  
"There was a time when I came to learn the true meaning of what  
Cat had said to me. You see Ray, um, I, um, I ....met someone..... someone  
with whom I shared something.......special."  
  
"You met someone? Your soul-mate?" Ray asked, his mind full  
of the image of Casey Sinclair. His own soul mate. Why was he thinking  
about Casey?  
  
Ben looked at the table again and re-commenced drawing circles with his  
teaspoon. The sound of metal on the wooden table top whispered meditatively  
to him, like a mantra, taking him back to the time he first saw Phil,  
his true love. He remembered clearly that day at Miller's Crossing.  
He remembered the look in Phil's eyes and how she had held his gaze for  
an eternity. He remembered following Phil along the trail that day,  
thinking about Cat and all the things she had told him.  
  
Much later he would look back and discover he had found two loves that  
day. His abiding, passionate love for Phil McKenzie and a new, equally  
eternal, but now more fraternal love for Cat Madden, for she had loved  
him enough to make him wait for his soul mate.  
  
Ray watched as Ben dragged the spoon across the timber tabletop, wondering  
what he was thinking about. "So what happened to her?" he  
asked.  
  
Ben looked up, startled. "What happened to her?"  
  
"Yeah, **her**. This woman you mention. What happened?"  
  
Ben's heart suddenly leapt into his throat. For a long time he had refused  
to tell Ray about Phil and he wasn't about to change his mind now. Searching  
his mind for an appropriate response, he gave what he hoped looked like  
an ambivalent shrug. "Sometimes things don't go as one plans, Ray."  
Ben hoped his answer was sufficiently ambiguous to deter Ray from asking  
more.  
  
Ray frowned at his friend. He remembered Fraser talking in his sleep  
about a woman in his past he regretted breaking up with and he remembered  
Cat telling him that Ben's heart belonged to someone else. If this mysterious  
woman was Fraser's soul mate, why weren't they together? What happened  
to keep them apart? Had his feelings for Cat gotten in the way? Was  
there more to the story than Fraser let on?  
  
"But if you love someone, Benny, you don't let them go without a  
fight."  
  
Ben stared, unmoving, at his friend for some time. What Ray said was  
right. How could he tell him that he had thrown away the love of his  
soul mate for Victoria? He knew well enough what Ray thought of his  
involvement with that woman. Feeling backed into a corner, he used  
the only way out he could see.  
  
"Like you did with Casey?" he asked, his face expressionless.  
  
Ray bowed his head and looked at his hands. "Aw, Jesus, Fraser.  
What do you expect me to say to that?"  
  
"Touche?" Ben supplied.  
  
When Ray looked up he saw the sparkle of amusement had returned to his  
friends eyes. He downed the last of his coffee and said, "C'mon,  
Benny, let's get out of here."  
  
  
Ray cast a glance at the man riding in his passenger seat. He could  
see that Ben was caught up in his memories. He wasn't surprised. The  
Mountie had revealed more about himself in this one conversation than  
he ever had before. Ray looked back at the road, his mind carried away  
with his own memories. Why did someone else's love life always make  
him think of his own? These days everything seemed to make him think  
about Casey.  
  
Ben watched the passing scenery without really seeing it. The occasional  
flash of bright clothing or Phil shaped woman would catch his attention,  
but then his eyes would de-focus and he was lost in his memories again.  
  
His chest ached - his heart, to be more accurate. He hadn't thought  
about his relationship with Cat for many years. Well, not in that much  
detail anyway. It surprised him that the memory of his pain was so sharp.  
What did that mean? Ben sighed. For so long now he had been caught  
up in his pain over Phil, that he forgot there was a time when he loved  
someone else - wanted to marry someone else.  
  
Ben fiddled with a thread on his jacket. He'd have to see to it when  
he got home. Sighing, he stared out of the window once more. Did he  
still have feelings for Cat? Of course he did. He loved her in a way  
he loved no one else. But it wasn't the stuff that made a marriage work.  
Or was it? He had confused love enough times in the past that it was  
easy to question it now.  
  
He thought about Phil. What did he really feel for her? He thought about  
Victoria and how he thought he had found love with her. No, he was definitely  
not a good judge of what constituted love. With a huff, Ben pushed that  
thought to the back of his mind  
  
Ray looked at Ben again. He had stared out the window for most of the  
ride. Was he thinking about Cat? Ray smiled to himself, certain his  
friend was indeed thinking about the woman he had so recently gotten  
to know. Although he hadn't liked Cat when they first met, he later  
came to accept that she was a good friend to Fraser. Ray knew she had  
stuck by him for many years. Later still, when he became her lover,  
Ray realised just how special she was. But now, seeing her through Ben's  
eyes, he began to wonder how the Mountie could have ever given her up.  
They seemed to have an exceptionally strong rapport.  
  
Cat and Ben had both told him that she had been the one to end their  
relationship, but he still couldn't understand how Ben could let her  
go that easily. If he didn't know better, he would have blamed Victoria,  
but both of them had told him there was someone else before Victoria.  
Ray shook his head. It was that mysterious woman from Ben's past that  
no one would tell him anything about. She seemed to be the missing clue  
in what had turned out to be a strange puzzle. With a sigh, Ray turned  
onto West Racine and pulled up outside Ben's apartment block. Ben didn't  
move.  
  
It took a moment for Ben to realise the vehicle had stopped. He turned  
to Ray, his eyes wide, as if caught doing something he shouldn't.  
  
"Yo, Fraser," Ray joked, covering the silence. "For a  
minute I thought aliens had come and sucked out your brain."  
  
"I'm sorry, Ray. I was just thinking �." Ben looked away.  
"I was thinking about Cat going to the Edge of the Earth. Does  
she know about you and Casey?"  
  
It was Ray's turn to look startled. "Casey�.?" For a moment  
he was struck by panic. Would Cat tell Casey about their relationship?  
Surely not. Why did everything these days lead back to Casey?  
  
Ben interpreted Ray's concerned expression. "You need not worry  
about Cat. She is the model of discretion."  
  
"Oh, I know�� I was just thinkin' about Casey as we drove  
up�." He stopped. There was no need to say anything further.  
Fraser understood.  
  
"Ray, don't you think it's time you called her? Maybe even went  
to see her?"  
  
"You know I can't do that, Fraser."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
Ray slapped his hand against his thigh, feeling frustrated. "I  
just can't! Can we drop it?"  
  
Ben looked shocked but his voice was full of concern. "Well Ray,  
I just don't want you to end up like the song." _'Or like me.'_  
He added silently.  
  
"What are you talking about? " Ray asked, irritation starting  
to show.  
  
Ben cleared his throat and sang. "Now I'm old I puff my pipe but  
no-one's there to see. I ponder on the lessons of my life's insanity."  
  
"I don't know that song, Fraser." Ray dismissed him with a  
wave of his hand. "I know another song � your mind is on vacation  
and your mouth is working overtime _._ " Ray sang in a tuneless  
voice that made Ben smile. "You're nuts, Benny."  
  
Ben frowned and considered Ray's comment. Admittedly, there were times  
when he questioned his own sanity � especially lately. "Quite  
possibly, Ray. Quite possibly." He turned a winning smile on his  
friend. "Well, thank you for taking Cat to the airport."  
  
"No problem, Fraser." Ray's voice became gentle. "Thanks  
for sharing your story with me. It means a lot."  
  
The two men smiled and after a moments silence, Ben stepped out of the  
vehicle and let Dief out of the back seat. Cooped up in the car all  
through dinner, the wolf took the opportunity to dash into the shadows  
and relieve himself. Ben and Ray said their goodnights and Ben headed  
for his building.  
  
Ben waited while Diefenbaker relieved himself in the shadows behind a  
pile of trashcans. He felt a little guilty about leaving him in the  
Riveria for so long, but for some strange reason he had needed to tell  
Ray his story, or rather, some of his story. He had purposefully left  
out the most important part. He would never tell Ray about Phil. Ray  
didn't need to know just how screwed up his love life really was. Finally,  
Dief emerged and they trod the stairs to apartment 3J in silence.  
  
Ray watched as Ben called to Dief and then led the animal into the building.  
He was still in shock about all the things Fraser had revealed that night.  
Did his friend still care for Cat? Ray had no answer, but he knew that  
his friend would be thinking of someone that night. Perhaps it would  
be the Mystery Woman?  
  
Regardless of whom Fraser would think of, Ray found his thoughts drifting  
consistently back to the same woman. Casey Sinclair. For about the  
hundredth time that day he wondered why everything he did, said, or thought  
eventually filled his mind with images of the one woman he could not  
have. The woman he would not let himself have. Not even the three days  
he had just spent with Cat could make him stop thinking about Casey.  
With an irritated grunt, he started the car and headed home.  
  
  
Without turning on any lights, Ben crossed the room and sat on the edge  
of his bed. The sadness that filled him was not like the usual, empty  
chill he felt. Reliving his relationship with Cat in such great detail  
had reawakened some other, long forgotten pain and it took him by surprise.  
For the moment, the pain of losing Phil receded to the back of his mind.  
He shed his leather jacket and tossed it onto a nearby chair, then kicked  
off his boots and lay back, closing his eyes as he did.  
  
Something strange percolated at the back of his mind as he lay on his  
bed; it came rushing to the fore with great force. It was so simple  
he wondered why he never realised it before. He laughed aloud. All  
the years of obfuscation about his feelings for Cat had coloured his  
perception of reality. Perhaps they were still affecting his thoughts.  
Perhaps he was really still in love with the petite dynamo he had come  
to take for granted.  
  
He sat up with a start. Yes, that was it. After all, Cat had never  
married either. They were meant to be together, as he had said all those  
years ago. Perhaps it was time they both stopped searching for something  
they couldn't have and made a life together. Smiling into the darkness,  
Ben thought about all the reasons to back up his hypothesis. They were  
both 36, getting to the time where it would be too late to have children.  
They already knew everything there was to know about each other. It  
was so very simple.  
  
He got to his feet and removed his clothes, folding them carefully and  
placing them on the trunk beside his bed. When he slid between the crisp  
sheets of his lonely bed, he was still smiling. He would call Cat as  
soon as she returned home and discuss his thoughts with her. It never  
occurred to him that destiny could have something else planned for them.  
He slipped into a peaceful sleep, his mind full of images of the woman  
he loved. In the morning he would wonder why every time he dreamed of  
a small dark haired, green-eyed woman who smelled of patchouli in his  
arms, she always became a taller but equally dark haired woman with soft  
brown doe-like eyes, a crooked smile, and hair that smelled of lavender.  
  
  
Bob and Caroline Fraser observed their sleeping son from the other side  
of the room. Bob turned to his wife. "Well dearest, it looks like  
you will have to have another of your talks with Phil."  
  
Caroline nodded her agreement. "It really is proving to be more  
difficult than I thought. They are both so stubborn."  
  
"Yes, they are." Bob chuckled. "Not that I would complain  
if Benton were to marry Cathy......"  
  
"But she is not 'the one'." Caroline finished for her husband.  
  
"And I have other plans for Cathy."  
  
"So that's what you were up to, Robert Fraser? I heard you mention  
her name when you were speaking to that woman the other day."  
  
"Martha Sunsinger? Oh yes. It was her husband that got Benton  
and Cathy together in the first place. Those Cree have more spells than  
the Inuit....." Bob chuckled again. "Let's leave him be, Caroline.  
At least he is sleeping tonight." He took his wife's hand and led  
her away. "We have work to do, my beloved."  
  
"That we do, Robert."  
  
Bob whistled a tune that he had heard somewhere, then he chuckled again  
when he realised what it was. "That son of ours certainly knows  
his music. Let's see, what was it he was singing earlier?" Bob  
hummed a few more bars and then sang, "Now I'm old I puff my pipe,  
but no-one's there to see." He hugged his wife. "We'll see  
to that, won't we?" Caroline smiled back and he continued. "I  
ponder on the lessons of my life's insanity." Bob laughed heartily  
as he and Caroline faded into the night. "Yes, Benton, that's for  
certain. Life's insanity."  
  
Ben turned in his sleep, his mind full of mixed images, but all of them  
were of the same woman. Tall, dark-hair, brown eyes and a crooked smile.  
And his dream-catcher made certain that every one of them was captured.  
  
  
All comments welcome at  
  
 ****Nothing Lasts Forever (Book 2 of the Ben and Phil Saga)  
  
1.Nothing Lasts Forever  
2.Of Second Chances by Carol Trendall  
3.Winter in America is Cold by Carol Trendall  
4.Lavender Memories  
5.Distractions by Carol Trendall  
6.No Aphrodisiac by Carol Trendall  
7.Life's Insanity by Carol Trendall  
8.Standing on the Edge by Carol Trendall  
9.Of Past Regret and Future Fear by Carol Trendall  
10.A Summoning of Things Past  
11.Three Parts Dead  
12.A Job Well Done  
13.Touchstones of Character  
14.But For the Night  
15.Tangled Webs  
16.Suspicions  
17.Chasms of the Mind (with Carol Trendall)  
18.Outskirts by Carol Trendall  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
